Dancing in the Rain.....

Today I hand the blog over to RB who is a 16 year old adoptee.  She has recently started writing her own blog about her life and living with attachment disorder.  I asked RB if she would like to write for the Life with Katie readers as well because I'm positive you will find her insight into living with AD as insightful, emotional and helpful as I do.  She starts with a very topical piece for the time of year about leaving school.  Endings are something we talk a lot about as adoptive parents and this time of year can be fraught with tension as the waft of change floats in the air.  

RB has also agreed to continue to write some pieces for us too which I am delighted about.  It would be wonderful if you could leave her comments below and share how you feel about her writing.......

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I finish school this week! I've spent five years with some lovely people, I've lost friends and gained them and it's shaped who I am now, and while my AD gives me the brain of a 12 year old, I have matured and I have a better mindset. 

I think the whole concept of growing up is scary and I don't want it to happen, however I'm very excited to move on and see what the future holds. I'm worried of how my AD may change me and how I'll respond to situations. This blog has gotten a lot of response and I'm so happy to see it helping many of you with children or friends that struggle with it. 

 As a part of AD my sister will have regressive panic attacks or meltdowns (you may recognise this in your child) Around 2 years ago I started getting panic attacks and while they aren't as full on as my sisters, I can empathise and describe the feeling. As parents reading this you may not have much understanding of it, or you may know a lot! 

There are different ways of comforting a child with AD if they are having a panic attack or regressive one. When I get panic attacks I often look at my brain as one big room with lots of filing cabinets in. Now a normal brain has grey filing cabinets in. All of the files in order, maybe a few disordered files and a couple of draws in the wrong cabinet. However this is fine. I see my brain as filing cabinets, they're grey, with attachment disorder there's always at least 2-3 cabinets which are muddled and wrong and messy. This is a normal AD brain. When children with AD experience regressive panic attacks their brains filing cabinets are always open, the draws are mixed and the files are constantly flying around out of the boxes, when this is happening they are panicking and trying to re-order every filing cabinet and put the files back in however this doesn't always work and they panic even more. It can create a feeling of chaos and unsettling nerves and constant high alert or vigilance or sometimes the feeling of suffocation (I feel this, you can breathe! You just feel a very heavy weight) I use this idea to help me express what it's like and it often works. 

 Now, comforting a child or anyone when they're having one of these is hard as they can't always tell you what they want. It's confusing and can sometimes leave them empty, numb, tired, sad or angry and confused. They cannot communicate straight away, don't assume anything, sit next to them and stay quiet until they speak or move. If they move away or closer they may need comfort or just time alone and some quiet space to re order their brain. 

 When I have a panic attack I sometimes feel better if I'm left alone but the majority of the time having someone hugging me tightly works well as the feeling of closeness is comforting. It's important that you try not to display any negative emotion after they've had a regressive panic attack as it can make them feel like they're in the wrong. Give them chance to calm down and become neutral again before talking things over, it can be frustrating but is best as it assures the child feels happy and the environment can feel calm and safe again. 

You can find RB's blog at http://rhiannonbeth.blogspot.co.uk/ 

Definitely one to bookmark!

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People Will Come

I feel like I should start this post with a confession. Forgive me universe for I have sinned. I haven't blogged in several months. Having written this blog no for nigh on seven years with my focus mainly on family life my creativity has been redirected for a little while as I set up my new business doing Reiki and (soon) Indian Head Massage. I've been creating a website and touting my wares on Facebook getting things going and been busy running a group on Facebook as well. It's been fairly intense at home what with one thing and another and I've not had the time or energy to write. The trouble is when you stop writing it gets harder to start again because the flow and continuity is lost and you don't know where to start. I've been so busy and exhausted and mentally overloaded I've not even felt the inclination to write. 

 I've started getting people through my door for Reiki which is fantastic. Even more fantastic is that many of the people who have come are recommending me to others. Rome wasn't built in a day and it takes time to establish a new business so I'm having to find avenues for advertising and keep my dream of offering Reiki at an affordable price to as many people as possible.  I'm hoping and praying that people will come but am very realistic about the time and effort it will take so I'm also typing and transcribing as well. I'm reminded of the saying about the man asking God repeatedly to win the lottery and after six months of listening God asks the man to buy flippin a lottery ticket. You have to be in it to win it and make your own effort to succeed. This has been my dream for years and I have to give it a go otherwise I'll always wonder. 

So, as you can see, life has just been too busy to write. There's been stuff going on as there always is. Some good and some more challenging. Katie is making fantastic progress at school. Her concentration and work output is improving. I'm putting it down in part to a little maturity and also to learning to drum as part of her Rocksteady band. She's quite the little drummer, so much so that she's now doing vocals and drumming at the same time. She's also just been selected for gymnastics squad which involves training three times a week. We couldn't be prouder of her achievement because it took a massive amount of bravery on her part to even try out for squad.  She missed the first deadline because she got so stressed about the decision.  Luckily she had another chance, a big part of that I think is the belief that her coach has in her.  Her coach really gets Katie due to a shared background and supports her a lot.  The results are a much more confident gymnast who has just passed her Bronze Fitness badge!  The training is having a fantastic impact on her sleeping. Last night she slept for 12 hours straight and has her first sore muscles, poor thing. I couldn't do what the squad kids do in their conditioning sessions. I doubt I'd get out of bed ever again!!! We had a panic blip where her low self esteem, FASD anxiety and fixed thinking took hold and mixed itself up with a massive dose of "I can't do it!". We rode the crescendo of her worry and had a change of plan about who was taking her to her second session so she felt secure and a weary smile with pink cheeks was found when I collected her, her enthusiasm and confidence restored. One of the things I find very challenging with Katie is having to force her to ride through her anxiety and out the other side where she realises she can do it. When you're faced with rigid thinking on the matter I feel like I'm the most evil parent in the world for urging her forward. She cannot see for herself the confidence I have in her and, like many of us, fights against the urge to stay where she feels safe.  Most of what she said to me about it was unrepeatable. Holding onto confidence in my parenting strategy is challenging, as is staying calm in the heat of the storm of conflicting emotions thrown at me. We've come through it though and the other side of the storm is happier. 

Pip is emotional in the extreme currently as he prepares to leave pre-school and start big school. Excitement at the step forward is mixed with sadness at leaving and a regression to babyhood and probably revisiting the trauma of being adopted. He's crawling and talking baby talk; screaming and shouting and pretending to be a dog a lot of the time. He's still not entirely dry and stress exacerbates that. Lots of sleep, cuddles, close time and firm boundaries are helping but these are accompanied by a relentless waft of pee and lots of shouting; throwing stuff and hysterical crying. The summer term is rarely easy.

I'm hoping to get back to writing a bit more as I settle into a rhythm of working and attempting housework around that. Once Pip starts school I will have more time to play with and that will be a new era for me.  After a seven year break from working it's an adjustment in many ways. I like the feeling of doing something that is about who I intrinsically am as a person and my dreams though.


In other news keep a watch out because we will have a new feature here on the blog as the lovely RB who is an adoptee soon to start college who will be writing about her experiences of having an attachment disorder and her life as a young adopted person. I'm very excited to be able to share some of her very honest, eloquent and powerful writing. I'm learning so much about my own children from what she writes and I have no doubt that everyone who reads my blog will find her thoughts very beneficial. 

 Well, that's it from me for the moment. The crazy is building here again as Katie is haranguing me over setting up my old phone fir her to use and anyone with a child (and especially a child with FASD) knows that fixed mind thinking is very hard to ignore. This will all be achieved with the background noise of Pip thumping the drums and hollering something Ed Sheeran related at the top of his voice.

 I chose a great time to give up wine and chocolate didn't I?    

Appointments appointments....

 

Anyone travelling on the "my child has a difficulty" road will know that accessing support is patchy at best. Parents have to be dedicated and persistent in their accessing services role in order to make any headway. Progress is generally slow, intermittent, confusing and frustrating. As a parent you have to be the expert before you see an expert otherwise you run the risk of being fobbed off or branded as a neurotic parent or, even worse, being labeled the actual problem itself. When, as in our case, your child is able to present themselves well at school it is a challenge to describe the child you see at home when this is the polar opposite of their experience of them. 

This week we've had appointments with our paediatrician and also with the generally illusive CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services). Appointments are like buses it seems, you wait six months and two and a half come along at the same time. Both brought frustrations and meant Katie missed chunks of school for little gain. After trialling both Ritalin and Strattera and discovering that, like many other children with FASD, they had no effect on Katie other than to give her awful mood swings (Strattera) we had the news that there was nothing else our Paediatrician could prescribe for Katie. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some drug hunting wild eyed parent seeking to medicate her child unnecessarily. I've had enormous reservations about giving a young child medication but after the success of the melatonin we wanted to see if we could help Katie just calm down from a sensory perspective.   Nothing is worth the mood swings she experienced though. When she started to refuse to take the Strattera I have to admit I didn't push too hard for her to continue. They took a good while to wear off as well which was perfect timing for Christmas! 

Our next port of call is CAMHS. I had an appointment there about six months ago and was told we would be referred onto a parenting programme for children with ADHD. This is run by a service external to CAMHS so my understanding was we needed referring by an agency. Oh no, it transpires that we could have self referred six months ago and no referral has been made (do CAMHS actually ever do anything?). I re-read the letter I was sent after the appointment which mentions the service but at no point does it say we should refer ourselves or provide referral details. There's another six months wasted then! I've since contacted the agency to discover there's a waiting list of at least six months so effectively it's a wasted year in total. It was an uncomfortable experience at CAMHS, last time I went alone but this time I took Katie. Talking about Katie and her behaviour with her there made us both feel awkward. Katie told me afterwards she doesn't want people knowing about what goes on at home. I explained to her that we can't get help if we don't tell people what's happening. She hates people knowing about her behaviour though. She can be mid rant as we leave our house and will stop the second she steps outside the front door, smiling and pretending nothing has been happening. I suspect other parents reading this will understand her need to fit in and not draw attention to herself. I was as honest as possible with the therapist and watched Katie show her displeasure in the drawings she distracted herself by doing. I felt uncomfortable because, despite being a trained counsellor myself, I still hate the whole listening and not responding schtick of the psychodynamic approach. It pushes my insecurities like an internal nuclear button and I always end up talking too much to fill the silences. I sat there feeling all my anxieties about being a crap parent surfacing and spilling over, feeling as exposed and vulnerable as my daughter clearly was. It's a leap of faith really when you bare your soul. The question is always hanging as to whether it will be worth it. Will the gain outweigh the pain? Will the story be understood? Is help at hand? Is someone actually going to offer us some support? 

When our hour was up the therapist said that she felt we would benefit from going on the afore mentioned parenting course. I'm happy to go but it seems their answer to everything is a parenting course. Katie has specific issues impacted by her ARND that are similar but not exactly like ADHD. Her hyperactivity is caused by external sensory overstimulation not by an inner overstimulation. She suffers from low self esteem and anxiety. Anxiety is common for children under the FASD umbrella. How we manage it is still a mystery to be solved. One thing we have been offered (if we're considered suitable) is a support group that is being set up locally for the parents of anxious children. I'll jump at the chance suspecting that, as always, other parents will probably be more help than anyone wearing a professional cap. Katie has been offered a "few sessions" with the therapist. I'm a little unclear as to what is going to happen in these other than it's to help with her anxiety. Katie is going to see the therapist on her own. This makes me wonder whether this is a good idea. I spent time working with older children on their own but Katie is only 9 and I'm concerned about how she's going to feel and also whether she will be able to talk honestly or even show her insecurities. Her hyperactivity was well displayed in the appointment but her aggressive reactions mostly saved for display at home. I was reading recently that the practice of seeing adopted children on their own was being questioned as to it's efficacy so I might chat to other adoptive parents and contact CAMHS prior to the appointment to ask more about this. I would appreciate any feedback or suggestions from other parents or professionals reading this post.

 The reason for saying two and a half appointments earlier in this post was because after 18 months of chasing we finally have an appointment with the Educational Psychologist in March. I chased the referral up with the Head of Katie's school last week only to discover she thought I was making the referral myself. Oh if it were that easy! Are the budgetary implications really so great that nobody wants to refer? CAMHS wouldn't! GP wouldn't! Adoption Support Fund doesn't fund it yet it is one of the most key pieces of information to gain for a child with any learning challenges. So, finally we have a date in the diary. At the moment I feel like all I'm doing is pushing, pushing, pushing for referrals but I'm so concerned that if we don't get to grips with all these issues now we will lose the moment to act and as quick as the blink of an eye she will no longer be in Year 4 and will start secondary school and get lost in a world where student support is very hit and miss and highly dependent on good internal communication and the willingness for a staffing body to work together in the interests of the child. My pre-adoptive parent professional role was offering student support in secondary and college settings and I know first hand how challenging it can be to coordinate support for a pupil. Trying to explain FASD so far has been 5 years of my voice being unheard because Katie presents so well at school.  It is only in the past few weeks that the gaps in her maths learning and comprehension are finally being understood and explored. I've been beating the maths deficit drum since Year 1 evidently having silencers on my drum sticks. Maybe a pair of size 11 hobnail boots would have been more use. Still we're getting there (I hope). Slow steps but at least they're moving forwards. 

 We're having some success at home with the ongoing zero tolerance policy. I've put house rules up on the wall and any breaking of the rules has a swift, relevant, consequence. No warnings. No opportunities to argue or negotiate terms are given. Katie is on an ongoing iPad ban until she stops swearing and hitting for a month. I'm quite liking this ban as she's going to sleep earlier now. The longest she's managed so far was 6 days. I'm holding on firm and resolute on this one. A week of no swearing earns her a few goes on Slither.I.O as a sweetener and encouragement but that's it. She seems to be watching rather a lot of Sam and Cat and Victorious instead but also she has discovered a love of reading which highlights her new ability to spend time alone and also sit and concentrate for longer periods of time which is a fantastic step forward and highlights more brain development. 

 So all in all we are making some progress. I just hope these appointments are worth it for all of us. 

A Resilient Onion

Resilience is like an elastic band or a rubber ball. You can stretch so far before it pings you back with a snap to reality. It keeps you from going over the edge. It's an important key to the survival of trauma. The bouncebackability. It's a bit like the story of the tortoise and the hare, the tortoise keeps going and going until he reaches the end of the race. Resilience keeps your feet taking each step, walking towards optimism.    As someone who has experienced trauma and loss and suffered with challenges to her mental health throughout the years as a result I remain ever curious about mental stability and optimism and resilience. I believe that mental stability is tightly intertwined with optimism and resilience, well it certainly has been that way for me.

The other thing that fascinates me is how our layers of mental health peel away throughout our lives. Just when we think we know who we are circumstance peels away another layer bringing more learning and more healing. A period of stability is like a reprieve before the next layer is peeled, or ripped, away leaving you raw and finding ways to smooth the edges again.    Mental health is something we fear in our culture. We talk about it in hushed voices. We brush feelings under the carpet in a desperate attempt to cling hold of normality and stability. We see mental illness as a weakness, something to apologise for, something to hide from other people. The inevitable crash when it comes from hiding all those feelings is often a surprise. What I've learned in my life is that crisis, healing and learning come in waves. Some of the waves are like tsunamis and some are ripples. The important thing is to never delude yourself that you are healed. Being healed implies a journey that is completed, a final destination, an end game.

We are sold an ideal of reaching self actualisation, the pinnacle of self learning but maybe self actualisation comes with acceptance. Being able to accept that we are an onion, ever peeling, ever learning, ever changing and riding those waves with the knowledge that each wave teaches us more about who we are, who we were born to be, what we are here to learn about being human. Not being fully healed doesn't mean you can't still be happy either.    As adoptive parents we live in a world brimming with trauma. Our trauma, our children's trauma. We may be well on the way to healing our own trauma but slowly they intertwine like laced fingers and it's hard to see where one stops and the other one starts. It offers empathy but can also bring out the worst in us all as we react and take on their trauma and come to understand our own triggers. We see our darker side and that of our children more than we care to admit.

Trauma and fear are travelling companions. We fear the future, we fall into the trap as parents of feeling we have to cure our children, heal their trauma as quickly as possible, forgetting that their onion layers will continue to peel throughout their lives as well and that time really is the greatest healer of all.  Their experiences, past, present and future will expose their inner rawness piece by piece and they will heal each layer as it is revealed to them. If we are able to accept this journey takes a long time some of the fear is able to dissipate and we can focus on creating a stronger elastic band to help pull us back from the edge in times of need. That elastic band might include family and friends, support groups and a good therapist. It might include favourite songs, books and movies that help bring perspective and healing and hope. A period of time on antidepressants may be needed. A favourite smell can bring comfort.  It might include the knowledge that experiences are ever flowing, ever changing. Nothing stays the same forever. The sun rises and the sun sets. The tide flows in and out and the beach is never the same two days in a row. That knowledge and understanding is what opens your eyes each morning in times of distress. The hope that the landscape will change and we will see things differently and feel differently about what we see.   

As parents I feel we need to help our children develop resilience. Each of us are born with different amounts in our personality I think. Many of our children have experienced challenges beyond our understanding yet still they are able to smile, to laugh, to open their eyes each day. The trauma they have experienced may bring them daily challenges that seem insurmountable and are slow to heal. Too many layers of that onion were left ripped open when they arrived with us. We worry about how to help them. We live with the reality of leaking trauma. We love them and want to heal their pain. We have high expectations of what we can achieve in a short space of time because we have so much nurturing love to offer. We feel sad and angry when trauma stands in the way of attachment and our own trauma stands in the way of understanding. We feel scared that we cannot help and sometimes sadly we can't in the short term. Our own resilience can become tattered and torn but it's still there. If you look carefully you can see it out of the corner of your eye and it's important to nurture it, to take time to look after yourself so you can share with your children how to help yourself stay strong.  We can be the best teachers of this.

One thing I've learned in my life is that I have resilience in bucket loads. It came as a flash of realisation recently. It's something I've always had. Is it just my personality or is it something more? Personality does play a part but for me it's being able to hang on to the love I experience from my Grandmother. In the never ending storm that was my earlier years she stood there and loved me. She loved with without fanfare or requests for recognition. She gave me the biggest gift a person can give, unconditional love. I didn't know that during the turbulence of my childhood. It is only with the wisdom and clarity age has brought that I can see my life and the experiences that shaped me along the way.  I can see the gift she gave me and how it gave me a layer of protection. I also had the ability to tune everything out. Nowadays we would recognise that as an insecure attachment disorder but don't knock it. That kept me safe throughout my childhood until I was mature enough to peel that layer away. Actually I've discovered there is more than one layer to examine on that subject but I keep that wave in mind and get out my surf board when the waves build up. Becoming a parent to adopted children has ripped a few layers off just at a time in my life when I thought I'd peeled and examined most of them. It turns out I had some big layers still left to deal with and being a parent was necessary to face some of the big ones. I fought them with my armour of optimism. I've been brought to my knees as I've faced some of the darker elements to myself. The ones I swore I'd never be but trauma and fear does that. It sneaks into you and impacts on your reactions. I've had to face the demons my own abusive childhood as my daughter expresses her anger. Unresolved trauma sees fear in many situations. Living with that violent anger taught me I'm still afraid of anger, my anger, her anger so it was time to peel that layer off and get to work in it. Learning to pause and feel and hold my inner child before reacting is an ongoing lesson that I'm really getting to grips with. I thought I'd dealt with that issue but my daughter has taught me that there was more work yet to do. I've had a few light bulb moments and I've also started to learn I have to accept that this never ending personality peel is part of the journey.

I'm learning about myself all the time. I'm learning that I've still a long way to go. I'm trying to accept that I make mistakes and there are parts of me that weren't what I thought they were. Most of all I've realised that parenting isn't a race against time. As adoptive parents we need to be the tortoises. We need to set our children up for the whole of their lives, not just for their childhood. Helping them develop their resilience is a big part of that. As Buffy the Vampire Slayer once said "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it". Once we know that it won't come as a surprise or a disappointment so we can slowly teach our children how to self soothe and nurture, help them find what works for them, and to find perspective amongst the perceived crazy inside their heads and how to take care of that elastic band and whilst we're doing that we'll learn some interesting things about ourselves too.

The Highs and Lows of Adoption...

When you write a blog for a long time it becomes part of the family; a part of who you are and how you express yourself. I've been writing this blog since the day before we met Katie for the first time. It has evolved and grown, originally intended as a method of updating eager friends and family about our introductions with Katie.  Since then it has documented our journey as adopters through the highs and lows; a second adoption; a search of a diagnosis for Katie; life, the universe and everything.

I use this blog as a way of expressing how I'm feeling and making sense of what is going on in our lives.  I share our lives and feelings now as a matter of course.  I hope that at times it helps other people who are thinking of becoming adopters or who are maybe struggling with adopted life. Mostly I work my own stuff out.  I write about everything, not to moan or complain but simply to share and try and make some sense of what is going on in our lives.  It helps me enormously to just sit and write and I often find a sense of clarity by the time I have completed the blog piece. At the very least I'm usually breathing a little more calmly by the time I've finished writing. Over the past few years life has been very chaotic in the Life with Katie family for a variety of reasons, some of which I share here. For me chaos is very difficult.  I like a more ordered life.  My own childhood left me with a profound need for order.  I can try and soar on the wind when I have to but mostly I prefer to know when the wind is going to blow.

Probably not the best personality type for having two crazy children and four cats and an often disorganised husband and a universe hell bent on throwing all it can at me.

I muddle through as best I can.  I am a habitual over-analyser so I drive myself to the point of exhaustion questioning my reactions and feelings.  Growing up in a house where chaos reigned and exaggerated emotions were shared daily left me nervous of big, out of control emotions.

Then we adopted Katie and Pip and our house and my life is now a plethora of big, out of control emotions.  Many of them belong to the children and many of them belong to me.

I get on with it.  I deal with it. I manage as best I can with it.  I eat too much chocolate on the days when it's really difficult and I drink more wine in the evenings than I have ever have in my adult life. I shout more than I would like and this is one of my biggest issues I am desperate to sort out. I know I'm not alone. I know it's not ideal but really, you try living in our house and never get so frustrated you could literally drive away and book yourself into a hotel for a week! Arguments can literally break out before I've opened my eyes from a vaguely restful sleep some mornings and I feel adrenaline course through my veins before the dream of a cup of tea has even formed.

One of the things I touched upon in my last post on the truth about modern adoption was the pressure on modern adopters to be aware of all the issues our children face as a result of being adopted and respond to them appropriately.  There are now various parenting models available to try out and adopters spend lots of time discussing these strategies and how to implement them. I notice in myself and in other adopters a fear of getting it wrong and making things worse. Because of the lack of support from agencies like CAMHS adopters are often left to it themselves to implement strategies without proper support.  Strategies like Non-Violent Resistance are becoming more publicised but such strategies need careful planning and lots of support to work properly so adopters who are going it alone often wind up feeling more frustrated and a failure when the strategies fail to work. Adoptive parenting is like normal parenting with a Brucie bonus.  Our children often do things louder and for longer and with more breakages and shouting than children working through their emotional development with fewer pressures. It is one thing to understand what their emotional challenges and development are but another to manage the expression of that in a perfect way.  I read longingly the writing of Bryan Post and nod long enthusiastically and promise myself I will be more in the moment and be able to reflect back to my child that they are feeling angry or be able to walk away and ignore items of furniture being thrown at me without feeling angry but I just haven't found a way to do that just yet.  I suspect I will have to dig down deep into my own childhood experiences yet again to slay the dragon that wants to protect me from all those big emotions and flying missiles.

Is it must me or is that easier said than done?

I remember reading Bryan Post talking about the blueprint that we are given as children about parenting.  Our parents parented us with the blueprint of a garden shed whilst being sold the ideal of living in a castle.  I think about this often because of that ongoing irritation with myself of not being able to rewrite my blueprint sufficiently to enable my children to get the blueprint they need for their future lives. How much therapy does one adoptive parent need for heaven's sake?

I've been feeling a shift just lately though.  A desire to say to hell with all these parenting books and
the fear of failure they instill.  To hell with being able to solve all their problems in a month.  It's unachievable. We have to be ready for the long haul flight, not the quick hop across the channel.  As adopters we spend our lives trying to help our children overcome their own fears yet we seem to be doing it in a desperate swim against the tide of our own fear. What's that all about?  Just as regular parents are bombarded with an onslaught of "this is how you do it" parenting books I fear adoption parenting is heading the same way.  That's not to say some knowledge doesn't help and isn't desperately needed and I'm grateful for all the pioneering authors out there but sadly I feel the benchmark they set often isn't achievable either at all or without the right support from the right services. Therein lies the rub as they say. Mental Health services in the UK are very under-supported by the government.  I almost laughed uncontrollably at the new Prime Minister's plans to add more money to community mental health support which amounted to effectively 97p per person! That won't even buy you a bar of chocolate let alone the ongoing support which we so desperately need.

I don't have any solutions to offer.  I'm on a long waiting list for an ADHD parenting course (who knows when that will arrive!) so what do I know? All I do know is that I am slowly letting go of reading endless adoption books that sell me an ideal and a benchmark that I feel doesn't exist.  It all feels so intense - do you  know what I mean? More recently I've been going back to basics - tight boundaries and a clear message about acceptable behaviour.  I'm trying to pick battles but there are often many to choose from and I need to get better at soaring on the wind and going with the flow and any other metaphor you care to inject. I'm not expecting that to be easy though.  Katie is currently full of angst and is rarely able to accept responsibility for any of her behaviour but just lately has started to actually apologise which is a big step forward.  We use natural consequences where we can and more specific consequences when a clearer boundary needs to be set (like teaching your 4 year old brother the "F" word). Reward charts don't really work here for long but I'll take any incentive that has some benefits, even the old fashioned parenting "go to" tool of bribery. I am trying not to fear my daughter's diagnosis of FASD so much and my anxieties about where that and her oppositional nature will lead her.  I'm going to try and stop correcting some of those issues and simply side step them a bit more instead of feeling this overwhelming need to help her overcome all these issues right here and right now.  I'll forgive myself and them a whole lot more and I'll continue to try boosting their confidence wherever I can and hoping that chipping away at their feelings of inadequacy with things they are good at will help round out their self esteem as much as I can. I am reassured as I watch friends with older adopted children who seem to be maturing out of some of the early intense and stressful behaviour and I'm hoping we might see some of that here too.  I'm hoping if I stop trying so hard, keep it simple and emotional maturity appropriate and worry less about the future it might help feel calmer in the here and now and maybe then I can be a bit more present and in the moment and maybe even respond accordingly. Hopefully I'd like to just feel a little less stressed about it all which really isn't a great feeling to live with and makes me a dour faced mummy and not one who wants to relax and enjoy them a little more.

One thing I do know though is that I will continue to write about it in this blog and probably continue to chase my tail for some considerable time to come.  You're very welcome to join with me and continue to share your thoughts on my ramblings!

Thank you for all of those who do contact me and share your stories and thoughts and suggestions. It is wonderful to link in with you all and helps me as much as I know this blog can help others at times too.  We are a wonderful community and supporting each other is something we do well. xx

The truth about modern adoption?

 Following on from the Daily Mail's article about the behavioural atrocities faced by modern adopters which caused an emotional storm in social media, The Guardian has published its own piece on the "realities" of modern adoption. Over the past year the media have moved from presenting adoption very positively and encouragingly (just like the politicians the Guardian piece chastises) to now jumping on a band wagon of inferring that adoption and fostering is a disaster zone that will leave you either dead, or with a nervous breakdown. Both are extremes (and I'd query the figure of 38,000 adoptions being this extreme cited by the Daily Mail) but there is a middle ground for many where life is incredibly challenging.

I know many adopters and I feel confident in saying that very few of our children are straight forward to parent. All of the adopters I know have noted that our children are emotionally younger than their peers at the very least so their behaviour reflects that delay. Many adopters cope with persistent lying and stealing (often food. Katie constantly takes my belongings quite simply because she wants them. Her FASD brain just doesn't seem to grasp that they belong to me.) This is common with FASD. Persistent rule breaking may not sound overly challenging but believe me it is. I've told my children probably more than 1,000 times not to go into the utility room. I've put signs on the door to enforce this rule but they disregard it daily. Many adopted children push the boundaries of regular family rules. It's not surprising that our commitment as parents is so tested after all what guarantee do the children have that we will stick around? That hasn't been their experience before coming to us. Sadly that constant pushing may not ever stop and love might not cure the insecurity within. If I drew a line in the sand and told Katie not to cross it she would immediately jump over it. I asked her recently why she always immediately does what I've asked her not to do and she said "It's so I can see what will happen". That makes sense but it's so frustrating because she is expecting a consequence and I'm just mostly trying to keep her safe and would like to have to stop giving tough consequences.

Child on Parent Violence is coming a term heard frequently in adopter forums. I am regularly slapped by both my children. We're still at an age where we can respond to these issues with parenting strategies but the fear that it might never stop and where it might lead dances around in my brain. Even at aged 9 and 4 years I find this element of daily life challenging and very stressful. Pip is now going through what I hope is just a phase of hurling things when he is angry. Reminding myself that at age 4 he is really around 3 years in his development on emotional issues this fits in with the expected behaviour of a 3 year old so I'm keeping everything crossed that he will calm down but the learned behaviour from watching his older sister (including hearing her swearing and copying her) means he is growing up thinking these behaviours are both normal and acceptable, even though there are consequences to his behaviour. We don't think he has been effected by FASD so are hopeful that learning from consequences will be easier for him than his sister.  I definitely feel important background information was withheld from us or glossed over during our first adoption particularly and we didn't understand enough about all the disorders. We now have a child with FASD as well as her other ADHD label and I worry about how oppositional she is and where that might lead. At the point of being placed with us at 2 years old Katie had met all her developmental markers. I think, with hindsight, the behavioural markers that highlighted the FASD were present at that point also but they were minimised and brushed aside as typical 2 year old behaviour. It wasn't until Katie got older and we challenged the age appropriateness of them that a clearer picture was obvious.  The daily behavioural challenges push me to my emotional limits. We've had input from our local authority but our case has been closed unless we "need life story work". I've chased CAMHS and paediatricians myself. I asked our SW for funding from the Adoption Support Fund for an Occupational Therapist's assessment which was given and provided a lot of information. We are waiting for a parenting course via CAMHS from Bernardo's but I've not heard anything more on that for several months leaving us still unsupported. Several months where my husband and I are goaded constantly. My husband is currently being targeted being called an "f***ing dick" and I'm asked why I married him. Everything Katie is asked to do results in a 'no" or a door slam as she marches off. We are thumped constantly when she feels she has nothing to say about an incident is angry with herself. I have to do battle to get her to eat yet she steals food constantly. I have to lock treats away. The build up to Christmas was unbearable at times.

The stress of a simple school day can push her over the edge some days. She needs time after school on her own with her iPad and the cat to calm her senses down and breathe a bit. Too much iPad time makes her aggressive though so I know use Our Pact to be able to remotely block her iPad and cleverly avoiding the ensuing argument for additional time....most of the time. I have to be able to read the signs of her mood as she comes out of school. Mostly I'm pretty accurate but some days, especially if she comes out of school with a friend, she can seem happy right up until the moment she walks in the front door when suddenly Mr Jekyll will be hiding under her coat.  These are some of the realities of life for us that would lend credence to the two articles above.

Conversely my daughter can be fun and sweet, loving and kind. She can be cute and cheeky and lovely to be with. She adores doing gymnastics and spends a lot of her homelife upside down, doing cartwheels and walkovers. She loves me helping her to improve her skills. She learned to play charades this Christmas which she loved along with endless rounds of the Yes/No game and my Buffy the Vampire Top Trumps. She will snuggle up on the sofa to watch TV and embrace feeling close to us.  Shes like a hedgehog, sometimes the prickles are in and sometimes they are well and truly out.  This could be said of many of us and it's hard to explain that what we experience goes beyond what most parents consider "normal".  Positive and loving behaviour cannot generally be encouraged through rewards or discouraged through penalties however. If acknowledged the lovely behaviour will mostly stop immediately or will quickly be sabotaged. I soak up those wonderful moments like a butterfly in the sunshine and try to work out how to encourage more of the same.  I find ways of expressing my pleasure in different ways i,e, "I've really enjoyed spending time with you today" and "Didn't we have fun doing xyz".

Life definitely isn't as I'd imagined it. I'd like to be able to "find the fun" a bit more. I do feel I get too stressed some days about the negative behaviour. I feel confused a lot of the time about the balance between consequences and just letting stuff go and trusting more in the impact of Katie maturing and shedding some of these behaviours as she is able to understand herself better. Reading articles like these ones in the Guardian and the Daily Mail don't exactly help either as they hype up the fear and anxiety.  My concern is that despite a plethora of adoption parenting experts and theories in recent years adopters mostly feel very deskilled. We are expected to deal with the worst kind of behaviour imaginable with unrelenting calmness and love (which is hard when having objects thrown at you or when being hit or kicked or a room is being trashed). Of course I feel angry when I'm anxious about my own safety. We are anxious about getting it wrong and making things worse and I'm  not sure that helps our children. All children need to know there are limits and to understand that a vast majority of people on this planet are dealing with issues around attachment.  I say that with a big degree of confidence having worked as a Counsellor for both adults and teenagers. Parenting traumatised children with little back up from Children's Services or support for implementing strategies is our reality as adopters but we also buy into a huge amount of fear created by adoption parenting authors. It's hardly any wonder we're stressed and confused and feeling isolated and lonely. What we need is support, proper support.  Easy access to diagnosis and therapies to help our children overcome their start in life and support to implement strategies with backup.  Reading a book doesn't offer enough support when parenting in the trenches I'm afraid.  We need to be able to speak to real people who can offer real strategies and who can hold our hands and reassure us, not the paltry pretend play therapy Katie and I had that didn't really address any of the issues long term.

My advice to potential adopters is to get savvy about all these issues. Know the right questions to ask and read up on FASD, drug withdrawal. and attachment disorders, ASD, ADHD, ODD and every other acronym ending in D! These disorders aren't necessarily insurmountable but you need to know your personal limits and understand what the child you are adopting might bring to your family dynamic. I will say however you can't predict your limits until you're facing them. The patience you think you have in bucketloads has probably never really been truly tested and the theories on parenting you may start the adoption process with will probably fly out the window very swiftly never to be seen again. When you read articles like the ones above do understand all this isn't the norm for all adopters however there is more than an ounce of truth here as well. We are parenting children who have often been to hell and back, even if you're told they've been in foster care since their birth. They don't deserve being born with a crack dependency or being exposed to alcohol in-utero. They are reacting to their life experiences. It can be easy to demonise their behaviour at times but how might we react to those experiences? As adopters we can offer the life experience that helps our children heal and thrive and live a better life which enables them to fulfil their ambitions and potential however I won't lie it can be very hard for us as parents. I'm not the mum I dreamed I would be, a fact that saddens me daily. I try hard to be the mum I have to be to help my children. I get it wrong a lot but I recognise that I often parent in a war zone. I learn daily, I have moments of despair and also happiness. Many parents of children who aren't adopted might say the same and there is a common ground sometimes. Our children generally do things more spectacularly and for longer than other children though. If you can understand that and be prepared for it and leave your expectations at the door then you'll get through. Sadly for some (and definitely a higher percentage than advertised by Social Services) it will go wrong and that is a travesty for the child, the adoptive parents and the system. I would say though that the truth about modern adoption isn't as strraightforward as either extreme presented in the media over the past 5 years. The truth is a very individual story but that rarely sells headlines.  Regular readers of this blog will have seen how our story has changed since we first met Katie and have faced the realities of her past, present and our hopes for the future.

I'd like to end of the side of optimism though.  I am always as honest as I can be in this blog.  I don't regret adopting either of my children.  They teach me so much about myself as I learn about them. They need what I have to offer and I hope and pray I don't screw them up too much when I react as a human and get things wrong. I get up and show up every day though and try again and hope and pray that it will be worth it in the end, for them.  Their future is so important.  They were born into circumstances that were not of their doing or choice. They do not deserve to be demonised or treated by society as less than anyone else.  Like any of us facing a traumatic experience some people are able to flourish and others aren't.

Please don't be put off adopting because of all these horror stories but do be aware of what the future may look like.  My heart breaks for all the children out there who need stability in order to have any chance of realising their potential.  What else goes with that need will be an individual story. I would like to leave with a thought though.  If adopters were better supported by the agencies who place the children with them and if there was more transparency about the needs of the children being placed maybe that would build more trust between adopters and adoption agencies and ultimately work in the best interests of the children involved.

Just a thought.......

Exasperation!

How many times a day do you throw your hands up in the air in pure frustration or mentally scream inside your head exasperated? I don't think I'd even like to count how many times a day I do this.  All I know is that inside my head it feels like there's a washing machine constantly churning around an endless bundle of negative emotions.  Half the time I don't even think there are identifiable thoughts any more - it's all so jumbled up now that I can't actually pull any of them out to check over.

I was talking to a friend recently about parenting (I sometimes wonder if that's all I ever do!).  I like to pick up tips and see how other people do it.  Personally I feel like I've lost the parenting plot a lot of time and I realise that I'm feeling way too serious about it all and not really enjoying the time I have with my children.

In my defence my time with my children generally involves Katie calling Pip a "butt-hole" or shouting at him to get away from her (unless she wants to play with him of course).  More recently she's discovered the word "bitch" so that's a new level of name calling currently in use.  We've already been and done the "F" word last year.  Mostly she's bored of that one now which is a relief. I do know that Katie doesn't use these words at school - she has at least that much sense - but Pip doesn't have that filter yet as he's only 4. I'm dreading the day when I'm pulled aside to be told he's taught some poor unsuspecting child some colourful new words.  I either spend my days telling them not to call each other names or telling them to stop harassing the poor kittens or not to throw things at each other.  I'm sure I'm exaggerating.  There are some musical interludes of whale song and playful dolphins but my stress levels suggest they aren't as plentiful as I would like.

My friend is able to parent her child with logic, reason, some wonderful reverse psychology and lots of humour.  I don't even know where my humour has gone to hide at the moment.  Being "playful" about my parenting when I'm being thumped or screamed at or totally being ignored when I'm asking either of the children to do anything quickly becomes a state of mind that I am unable to access.  How can you be playful when you've asked someone to put their shoes on 20 times or have argued that "yes you do need a coat because it's almost winter/it's raining/it's chilly"  I'm fed up with asking Katie to clean her teeth and then having to police it because she'll just use mouthwash (in fairness I used to pretend to clean my teeth when I was younger too). How can you be playful when you've called your child 10 times and they are pointedly ignoring you for whatever reason they have in that moment? Why do we feel this need to defy our parents requests at every turn?  For me that's the issue in our house.  It's the defying at every turn.  I don't think my children do anything they are asked to do the first, second third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh etc time - unless it involves sweets.

So, tell me, are we the exception or the norm?  Am I turning into one of those parents that is pitiful, who has to scream to get anything done and loses all authority and respect in the meantime?  Is it just me? I am not naturally that person.  I can be a bit controlling and like things doing the way I like them done and a bit of a know it all (I'm a Taurean I'm afraid - it's in  my stars!).  I am very kind and caring however and will do anything for anyone and frequently end up rushing about because I do a little bit too much of that. I'm a bit of a hippy in many ways and often describe myself as tie dyed without the tie dye.  I want peace and harmony in the world.  I'm a Reiki healer.  I don't feel the slightest bit spiritual in my house though I can tell you that for nothing and it flies in the face of everything that I am and I'm at a loss to know how I can parent in the face of such opposition and still maintain my integrity and the person that I am.  My neighbours would probably die laughing if they knew I do healing with the amount of arguing they can hear from our house. My friend said to me that she felt that I was shouting "listen to me" and she's right.  Generally when someone says something to you and you feel like crying it means it's hit a raw nerve.  Much of that is my stuff - I can't lay that on the children.  It's all the result of a difficult childhood etc etc etc. I'm bored with dealing with the effects from my childhood if I'm honest. If I could make a bonfire of all my residue issues and burn the lot of them then I would. I've had enough counselling to sink a battle ship and I don't think under normal circumstances these issues would be more than a passing niggle.

It's the "under normal circumstances" bit though that's the problem.  These are not normal times.  My house doesn't feel normal - or is it like this for all parents?  People never admit what it's like in their house.  Why is that? We could all normalise so much if we could talk openly. Generally I feel that I am a strong woman. I've come through a lot of stuff over the years and I'm still standing and functioning well. I'm at a loss to know how to deal with some of these fundamental issues with the children though. My friend has a tactic of just walking away in the fact of such behaviours or making fun of tantrums. I know I try and reason with the children too much and I know I need to use fewer words. I'm a communicator though. It's in my blood! I like to know why I can't do something so that I can decide if the reason is a good enough one or not. The problem with being an adoptive parent these days is that there is so much information coming out about parenting and it's often conflicting that we end up worrying about doing the wrong thing.  Will walking away and ignoring your child spark feelings of shame and worthlessness or exacerbate attachment problems?  Will sending your child to their room for bad behaviour make them feel too excluded and unwanted? Will forcing your child to do homework lead to some mental breakdown (most likely mine!)? As another friend highlighted on an adoption parenting group I belong to shame is often what inspires us to behave well or reflect on things that we've done.  That is how we learn. That is a refreshing point of view.

As a parent I often feel totally deskilled.  It's all very hit and miss.  Some days I do well and some days I don't.  As much as anything that it linked to the mood Katie happens to be in that day.  After a recent CAMHS assessment we have been offered a parenting course for ADHD.  I'll go on it with an open mind; try not to feel too judged, and see what they say.  I do wonder if I inflame things too much by not distracting or de-esculating Katie. Half the time I'm too exhausted to even see it coming if I'm honest let alone finding a playful way of handling things.  My head already hurts from over thinking just about everything as it is. I'm trying to ignore the little stuff (there is a massive volume of little stuff though, it's hard to ignore it). I'm trying to give lots of positive praise where I can. I don't want my children to feel that they can't breathe without getting into trouble but equally I'd like them to just put their friggin coats and shoes on when asked and maybe if we weren't so caught up in the small stuff we could cope with the bigger stuff a bit better. I'm haven't even started on the stress I feel every time I go to use something that has been stolen. I now lock stuff away in a cupboard so keep some things away from Katie.

For the most part Pip is easier to parent than Katie.  His capacity to rationalise, reflect and understand is greater than Katie's.  Katie is stuck in oppositional mode most of the time.  She wants to just do the opposite of everything she's asked to do. Pip is often concerned about whether he is behaving well (except when he's arguing about his coat or throwing things at me because he doesn't want to go to bed). Katie is not like my friend's son who will learn from a negative experience - Katie would just go right out there and do it again - the joys of FASD. Neither child seems to get that the outcome is always the same no matter how much they argue. Shoes and coats are always worn; teeth are always cleaned eventually after being threatened with no sweets for a year! We do get there but it's at the cost of my own mental health.  I feel so stressed by the time the school run is over.  Is that just me having unrealistic expectations and taking it all a little bit too personally? How do I find a playful approach to these issues?  If I could find it for these things maybe I could find it for other things.

Answers on a postcard (or the comments section below) would be welcomed please.....