Moving Forward...

Firstly I want to say a big Thank You to everyone who has contacted me via the blog and via email and Facebook to share their stories of Post Adoption Depression Syndrome (PADS) after my post on PADS last week.  I thank each and every one of you.  It seems I am very much not alone in how I'm currently feeling which really does lend credence to the fact that this issue is a) not spoken much about and b) relatively common.  It is also saddening to think how many people suffer silently through fear of being seen as flaky or unable to cope and the potential over-reaction from their Social Worker.  In case you're wondering, no, I haven't talked to our Social Worker yet about how I'm feeling. I feel far too anxious about it and what might happen.  I may write about these issues but it doesn't mean I am a trail blazer.  In fairness I do think our Social Worker would understand and be supportive but the knot of anxiety I feel in my stomach even thinking about talking to her makes me feel sick.  I'm going to see how I feel over the next week or so but I do think I've been feeling like this a long time and our placement has been totally fine so I don't see the point in bringing it up now.  Depression is very common in our current time.  It is a horrible experience but it is mostly surmountable.  Having experienced depression previously I know I will recover.  I also know how I am effected by it and how best to help myself.  I am quite cross with myself for taking so long to recognise the symptoms though but I'm not going to beat myself up about it.  My life currently has a significant amount of stressors that are sapping my energy and I need to decide where to spend my energy points more wisely.  I don't feel that I'm not coping at home or need extra support but I do need to put my energy just into my family unit until I feel stronger and less invisible again.

So with these issues in mind I visited my GP this week and tried to talk at him for as much as I was able to
within my 10 minute appointment slot.  I would just stop to ask how the hell a GP can fully diagnose you with depression in 10 minutes?  I tried to help as much as possible.  I don't see the point in sitting there and saying nothing but it generally rushes out in a flood.  I have a lot of stuff going on medically that might actually be impacting on me as well as all the adoption related issues.  I'm peri-menopausal which can bring depression along with it plus being Coeliac brings it's own challenges.  I don't really feel that he sufficiently assessed my situation if I'm honest and admitted he was surprised that I might feel depressed at a time when I should theoretically be happy *holds head in hands at the lack of training GPs clearly receive on this issue*.  We discussed CBT counselling and anti-depressants and I've decided to do both.  We then negotiated the anti-depressant I would take.  I will just say that I hate anti-depressants with a passion and I know which ones I won't take.  Not because of the job they do but because of how I feel when I'm taking them however I know when the need is greater than the dislike so I'm now back in the world of the horrible taste in my mouth and yawning all day long.  It's not just a normal yawn either - it links right down in my stomach and makes me feel sick.  It will pass and I will start to feel better I know but it was with a heavy heart and a feeling of resignation that I opened that first pack.  My over-riding desire though is to be a good mum. It's more important to me than anything else at the moment.  I don't want to continue feeling flat or angry or put-upon or haunted by the past.  I realised that everything I was doing I did with a sigh.  I want to embrace life and enjoy each day. As a result of this I need a two pronged attack this time .....

There are things in my life that need to change.  One particular relationship that has been set with a long history attached.  It is a relationship that saps my energy and my mind and takes over my life on a daily basis. I have been trying to make changes within this relationship for over a year now and mostly it causes arguments.  The ripple effect of the changes is painful but necessary.  There is still a long way to go though and I know I need another insight to help me through it.  This is where the CBT counselling comes in.  I am learning to live with the guilt that I feel when I withdraw my attention and support to that relationship but it is tough and it erodes my self-esteem.  A close friend told me this week that I need to decide how I want my family unit to be and then send that intention out to the universe and if others don't like it those are their issues to deal with.  This is very true but I can feel a huge resistance in me at being so assertive, especially with this particular person.  I yearn for an easy life without daily confrontations. I am content with small things really and I hate dissent and arguments and I don't like avoiding phone calls.  I am not a mug or unassertive by any stretch of the imagination but I do go out of my way for other people and like to help but I often bend to what they want, mostly because I'm too tired to work out what I want.  Most of my energy is needed for my family unit these days whereas once upon a time I had energy to spare because we didn't have children. The trouble with that unfortunately is that relationships have to change as well.  People have to accept that when you have children your focus shifts and you can't be there all the time for them as well.  When people can't accept that you have a problem.  I also take responsibility for facilitating the difficulties in this relationship and have realised that endlessly helping someone isn't always the best thing for them because my help might be preventing them from standing on their own two feet. My rescuer tendencies need to be kept in check I think.

The time has come to toughen up and brave those ripples but I need someone to hold my hand whilst I do it because the fall-out won't be pretty. I'm hoping that counselling will help me with that.  Having this relationship to overhaul whilst continuing to manage Katie's behaviour and Pip's frustrations at being a toddler and not being understood plus worries about Nana and Pops and medical issues feels challenging; possibly a little too challenging in my current delicate state but I know I have to do this in order to get myself feeling well.  The anti-depressants are merely a prop to help me do that.  I rather suspect without all this peripheral stress I wouldn't have taken the anti-depressants but I'm wise enough to know when I need that added support otherwise I'll fall at the first hurdle.

Pawse for thought about PADS!

There has been a lot more media interest and reporting lately of Post Natal Depression (PND).  This is in part to some very brave celebrities openly admitting that they have suffered from the syndrome.  Celebrities such as Gwyneth Paltrow and Courtney Cox have paved the way towards acceptance and more understanding of this awful illness and this can only help other mums to recognise their own symptoms and hopefully seek help.

Post Adoption Depression Syndrome or PADS is very similar to PND.  The symptoms are the same but this is a condition that is not widely talked about.  It is in fact a condition that is very much brushed under the carpet and talked about in hushed voices due to the fear of disrupting an adoption placement and a child being removed from their adoptive parents and put back into the care system.

The symptoms of Post Adoption Depression Syndrome are listed in a Factsheet by Adoption UK as:
  
Either a consistently low mood or marked reduction in the feeling of pleasure must be felt, accompanied by some of the following symptoms.

1. Feelings of anxiety, panic, inadequacy, being overwhelmed by responsibility, being slowed down, inability to get any enjoyment out of life, worthlessness, guilt, low self-esteem, loss of identity, loneliness.
2. Physical symptoms: aches and pains, stomach problems, back problems, sleep problems.
3. Tension headaches, lack of energy, fatigue, lack of concentration, forgetfulness, loss of or gain in appetite. 
4. Mood: irritable, angry, despairing, pessimistic.

According to a survey conducted by Harriet McCarthy in 2007 and reported in an article entitled Post Adoption Depression up to 65% of adoptive parents experience PADS.  That is a very high proportion and a figure that needs to be taken seriously by adopters and by Social Workers.  It is a figure that certainly shouldn't be spoken about in whispers.  Adoptive parents need to know that this is something that can happen and that they are supported if it does.  I can remember being told about the possibility of feeling depressed post-placement but equally I know of second time adopters who have felt vulnerable during their home assessment for admitting that they have felt a period of feeling low after adopting. The general feeling amongst adopters is that we don't really talk about Post Adoption Depression but that needs to change.  We need to be able to support one another; to access treatment and support without prejudice or a threat to an adoptive placement.

So what can cause depression in an adoptive parent?  Reports suggest that it is the primary carer who is most susceptible.  Depression can effect men as well as women.  If you think about it logically though it's hardly surprising that the figure is so high......

Many parents come to adoption after years of failed attempts to start a family biologically.  They may have experienced significant heartbreak during that time.  For most prospective adopters there is a lot tied up in hearing a Panel give approval for them to adopt.  It may be that they are a same-sex couple who has experienced discrimination and has felt that becoming a parent was something that was out of their reach.  For me, after repeated miscarriages, hearing someone say that I was going to become a parent meant everything to me.  I was incredibly ill after our first panel after the enormous build up of expectation and anxiety.  I think I was literally holding my breath for many months and the relief just spilled out of me.

So what happens next?  You wait anxiously to be matched and have an emotional decision when a match comes.  Is this your child?  You decide yes or no.  Both outcomes are filled with emotion.  Once you are matched the anxiety continues because the match has to be approved by another panel.  Adopters are discouraged from bonding with their prospective child in case the match is not approved by panel.  Of course you're going to bond.  That bond is so important to you and your child.  It's ridiculous to discourage those emotions.  We're not robots who can turn their emotions on and off. 

After matching panel there is a scurry of activity whilst you make preparations to your
home to accommodate your new child and then, once you are feeling really tired after all the painting and buying and preparations, you meet your child.  The anxiety and excitement surrounding meeting your child for the first time is indescribable. You then have a period of generally 1 to 2 weeks of introductions where you tear up and down your local county (generally) having to arrive at some ungodly hour to greet your new son or daughter as they awaken or go to bed and generally get to know their routine and their likes and dislikes.  Slowly you take over that routine and try to absorb everything their Foster Carer is able to share.  You have to cope with being in someone else's house (and they with you being there) which can feel awkward (I am incapable of changing a nappy quickly with a FC watching!).  Then, when you are even more tired than you knew it was possible to be before meeting your child, you are allowed to take your child home.

You arrive home exhausted and excited.  The day has finally arrived.  You may have fallen in love instantly with your child or you may not know how the heck you feel.  All you know is that you are now a parent. That first night when your child is sleeping in their room can bring about emotions you didn't even know you had within you.  What you are expected to feel by those around you is excitement, happiness...all your dreams have come true.

Then the hard work really begins.  Helping your child settle in.  At this point you are probably so tired you just want to head off on a long holiday in the sun but you need to put all your energy into your child.  Your child is unlikely to be a baby who might sleep during the day.  This child is probably up and about and busy all the time.  You probably won't get a break from being No. 1 Entertainer as well as being a therapist and cook and washer of more clothes than you imagined it was possible to wash during a week.  Your child may be very unsettled and need a lot of reassurance.  You may already have another child who feels angry and unsettled by the arrival of their new sibling.  You will probably spend half the day wondering what on earth you are supposed to be doing.  You tie yourself up knots second guessing everything that is going on around you and hoping you're doing a good job.

I'm painting a dark picture and I don't mean to.  I'm trying to explain the emotions and exhaustion involved in an adoption.  This is also an incredibly happy time.  It is the best feeling in the world when your child comes home but there is so much more tied up into it than that.  Don't forget the fact that you will have weekly Social Worker visits, which will generally bring with them some mad and panicky cleaning to prove you are coping and on top of everything. 

Add to all this the anxiety around your child becoming legally adopted which can take many, many months post placement and I ask is is any wonder 65% of adopters experience a period of depression?  I wonder if the figure is actually higher?  The pressure and stress and expectation is very high throughout the whole process.

For me, all this has particular significance because I have suffered from several periods of depression in the past primarily linked to recurrent miscarriage and I was very anxious that this would prevent me from being able to adopt.  I recovered from each period of depression with the aid of counselling and anti-depressants but I was left with a susceptibility towards becoming depressed.  Add to this the fact that I am Coeliac and over the past few years have experienced periods of anaemia from malabsorbtion of nutrients.  Anaemia makes me feel very tired, not always ideal with two children around. I'm a fairly healthy and robust person generally though and get on with things to the best of my ability.  Whilst I was very tired after we adopted Katie and felt quite overwhelmed at becoming a parent whilst negotiating the adoption process, I wouldn't say I was depressed after she arrived at all.  It did take a while before I felt like I was back to myself again though.

A little over a year ago however we were going through the adoption process for our second time.  The process had already taken longer than it was supposed to.  I was feeling stressed and frustrated after our first panel date was postponed.  We also already knew about Pip being born and that there was a likelihood of being matched with him and were waiting for our panel date to arrive.  We didn't know what was going to happen with Pip and there was a wall of silence from Social Services on this subject after initially being asked if we would be happy to adopt him several months previously.  This was a time of possible excitement but also confusion.  What was going on?  We were also managing the fall-out from how Katie was experiencing the adoption process and life felt quite intense.  By the time we were approved and then finally officially matched with Pip I had started to feel quite disengaged from things.  I think I was probably on emotional over-load by that point.  Too many emotions to process and respond to.  Too much anxiety about Katie and how she would cope with having a sibling.  So much to prepare for Pip's arrival.  I was physically and emotionally exhausted by the time we met him.

Once we met Pip we were in the deep end again of introductions and managing not just ourselves but Katie as well.  Katie had a long period of difficult behaviour during this time, which was not unexpected but was challenging and I felt torn between all the different needs and roles in my life.  In addition I felt under enormous pressure to resolve the issue of Pip's weight.  This really weighed (pardon the pun) heavily on me and was the topic of endless conversation with Social Workers and health professionals.  People constantly commented to me about his weight and I suspect I felt all this more deeply due to anxieties about my own weight which is currently increasing at a rate of knots.

TCM has a very demanding job so I am the primary carer for our family.  Life is very busy.  I don't have much time to reflect but was aware that I started to feel emotionally disengaged from quite a lot of my life outside of the home but assumed that I was just tired or anaemic again.  And that was how it felt, like everything was going on around me.  I wasn't really sure where I was in the whole picture but I did know that I was supposed to be the conductor of this orchestra. I was supposed to know the score and somehow manage to bring it all together.  A tall order and I suspect I was being overly tough on the expectations of myself.  I noticed that I started to become very unemotional about things happening outside of the home and I felt less empathy towards others outside our family unit.  I started to feel unmotivated about going to tap dancing and Reiki.  I started to feel unenthusiastic about seeing other people.  Actually there were very few other people to see because Pip napped during the day so we didn't see many people for several months.  My world became very small, just me and Pip during the day and Katie after school.  I spoke to a close friend most days and have always been honest with her about my feelings but I was distracted and struggling to feel interested in anything else going on around me.  My blog has kept me engaged though and I love writing about my family and the life we have, warts and all.  I didn't recognise that my feelings of being unmotivated and stressed and anxious and flat were depression though.  Things got a bit better after the summer holidays and we picked up and carried on.

I then went through an obvious depression in December and I wrote about my feelings  in a post called The Visitor. which was partly triggered by the time of year and partly by significant additional stress from a member of my family, which is still ongoing.  That depression lifted to a significant effect after Christmas but I've recently realised that those feelings of unmotivation and unenthusiasm and feeling flat have continued and that I've probably had them now in one form or another for the best part of a year.  I've noticed I'm eating and sleeping badly and questioning where my life is going a lot.  I'm lethargic and exhausted.  I feel like I don't fit in anywhere and have been feeling sensitive and invisible.  Things have certainly not been helped by a lot of stress surrounding Pip's adoption and lots of delays getting to court and now a postponement of his adoption whilst the location of a birth parent is established.  We have started contact with the Katie and Pip's middle brother, Kip, and, whilst this is very positive, it has not been without its stresses and concerns and it saps my energy significantly.

This second time adoption process has now been going on since September 2012.  That's nearly 2.5 years and an immense amount of stress in our lives.  The end result is wonderful.  I adore both my children and love being with them but it's not actually the end result yet.  We still haven't legally adopted Pip and we have no idea currently when the next court date will be.  There is still that anxiety that Pip could be taken back into care however unlikely it might seem.  At a review meeting this week our Independent Reviewing Officer (IRO) commented that I seemed resigned to it all.  I asked him what else I could be at this stage?  I am resigned to the fact that I have no control over any of this process other than looking after my family.  Contacting the courts will not speed up the DWP's tracking process nor will it make the courts write a letter to the missing birth parent any quicker or bring about a response to that letter.  I feel powerless and that doesn't help me feel motivated.  I would ask why the issue of consent (or not) from birth parents is not tackled by the courts at the point when the adoption placement order is granted?  Surely all the paperwork relating to birth parents should be tied up by the courts before a child is even placed with an adoptive family? It shouldn't be resurrected at the point of adoption when a contestment at that point causes strain on so many more people? Surely the courts should make a decision as to whether the birth parents can challenge an adoption before the child is placed within another family? The emotional impact on the adoptive family of all these uncertainties is ridiculously stressful. 

I have realised that I'm probably suffering from mild to moderate depression and that
it probably is Pre/Post Adoption Depression but exacerbated by the amount of other things impacting on our lives.  I'm functioning though, I've not taken to my bed.  Katie is getting to school on time.  I play with my children and do all that they need.  I gain a lot of pleasure from engaging with Pip during the day and Katie after school.  We do homework and go out and do lots of things but I do have to force myself to put on my entertainer hat on many days.  I shower and wash my hair and even put make-up on and make an effort with my appearance (as much as you can make jeans look good!).  I have conversations with the other mums at school.  I am lucky to have some lovely friends I see during the week and their support has kept me going.  If you met me you'd probably have no idea at all that I was feeling depressed but I emotionally switch off as soon as I've finished a conversation with someone or get in the car to go home from somewhere.  I have nothing in me left for outside the home.  I have little interest in anything going on around me that isn't my immediate family or friends.  I'm fed  up with feeling like I have a foot stuck in mud waiting for our family unit to be legalised.  It's hard to make family plans when you can't just take off without approval from Social Services and we can't really get a passport (well not one in our name) for Pip to travel abroad and when you have to carry a medical consent card everywhere with you in case your son needs medical treatment.

I will just note though that I think the adoption process has really triggered how I am feeling.  The intensity; the expectations on adopters; the stress caused by delays; the emotional exhaustion both pre and post placement; the feeling of scrutiny which is important for the assessment but can feel quite intense when under the microscope; the anxiety of how already adopted children will cope with the process; did I mention the endless delays?  Oh yes I did.  It feels like we have been in the adoption process for forever.  It really shouldn't feel like this or take this amount of time surely?

I am not someone who seeks to be overly negative so this post has been difficult to write.  It's long so awards to anyone who's made it to the end!  My natural positivity is a real blessing for me and it keeps me going.  Feeling depressed is really at odds with the person I naturally am.  I am a spiritual person who enjoys the small things in life.  I want to be honest about our experiences though.  I can't paint a perfect picture if this isn't an honest picture.  There is much in my life I am grateful for and gratitude keeps me from disappearing into myself.  I am so lucky to have my family.  I waited so very long for my children that I still can't believe they are here.  I don't want to feel depressed, it's not something I've consciously become, but recognise that under so much pressure and stress that I've not been taking care of myself as well I should and those feelings have crept in and recognise it's time to take action.  I will be going to the GP as soon as I can and will be asking for some help.  I feel confident that I will overcome this period of depression just as I have in the past.  Being depressed does not scare me.  I am able to challenge my negative thoughts although some days they do feel relentless.  I do not feel that this is insurmountable.  I do not feel like I am unable to parent or be an effective parent but it does use energy reserves that are now dwindling fast.  I do recognise that I've allowed too many peripheral stresses to creep in though and need to feel strong and assertive enough to get everything back on track and for that I need some help (and for a significant person in my wider family to lead a less dramatic life!).  I'm actually glad I've recognised what is going on with me and that is mostly due to reading an article in this season's Adoption UK magazine which featured an article on Post-Adoption Depression.   A light bulb flicked on in my head and relief immediately followed.  This is why I've been feeling this way.  I'm not a failure or unwanted.  Now I can do something about it. 

I've decided to speak out and write about this although I do feel anxious at giving myself the label of being depressed particularly as our adoption isn't legalised but I feel it's important to speak out and let people know so that others can do the same and seek help.  I am very confident I will get better. I'm cross with myself for not recognising how I was feeling earlier and why but life is just too busy to focus much on myself these days.  In fact now I know I need help I feel more positive than I have done for months.

I'd love to hear other people's stories.  Have you been effected by Post Adoption Depression?  Did you feel able to let people know how you were feeling or did you feel too anxious about jeopardising your placement?

A Busy Half Term!

Isn't it funny how you can start the half term holiday with hardly any fixed plans and then have had an amazingly busy and fun week by the end of it?  That perfectly describes our half term last week.  We had a week that focused very heavily on peripheral issues to adoption in the form of spending time with Kip and also Grandma (Katie's Foster Carer).  It was a week that also involved Pip's first proper haircut (oh he looks so cute!) and his first ever fairground rides. What made it even better was that the children were both beautifully behaved........

.......as much as children are capable of anyway.

Katie's good behaviour was in part due to the arrival of the long desired Elsa Boots from Disney.  Disney finally brought them back into stock and a wonderful person contacted me through my Life with Katie Facebook Page to let me know that we could order them again (thank you Lisa!).  Katie had to collect beads in her pot for good behaviour so that started the week off well as she frantically did everything she could think of to earn those beads, even tidying the playroom.  The boots have barely left her feet since last Tuesday.  I won't let her wear them out as I am ridiculously strict about heels on young children.  That doesn't stop her asking every 5 minutes though!  She was allowed to wear them to a birthday party for a school friend at the weekend however.  I will just say that they are very difficult to team with any outfit.  The picture doesn't do credit to how sparkly they actually are.  I teamed them with a brown sparkly knee length party dress with a pink cardi and light cream tights.  With the addition of a high, side, pony tail Katie was very reminiscent of Cindy Lauper and feeling very cool!

TCM was home for part of the holiday which was lovely.  Having TCM at home means that Katie and I can pop out and do some girly things and TCM gets some quiet time whilst Pip naps in the mornings.  We managed some trips to the park and zoo as a family and also met up with Kip and his step-brother and Dad on two occasions which was wonderful for the children.

Our first date with Kip was at our local bowling alley on the Tuesdays.  Katie has never been bowling before - very remiss of me really, but what can I say?  Life just keeps getting in the way and Pip's naps have impacted heavily on our social life since last May.  I loved how Kip marched up to me for a cuddle on arrival and asked "where's my brother?"  I think it's fair to say that the children are seming quite comfortable and relaxed with each other.  They played and ran around together having a lovely time.  Katie is very much the older sister with the two irritating younger brothers.  She's funny to watch when she's pretending to be grown up in one minute and in the next she's sprinting around with them, bossing them about.  What's good about their ages for Katie and Pip is that they remain the oldest and the youngest with the addition of Kip in the middle.  For Kip though it means he shifts into being the middle brother.  It will be interesting to see how that impacts on him as time passes.  TCM brought Pip along about an hour in to our two games of bowling and we also got to meet Kip's Dad's Fiancee as well which was lovely.  I'm really going to have to think up some names for them on the blog before I start describing people as "Fed's cat's dog's brother's Uncle" or something like that! 

We had a second date on the Thursday morning when Katie and I joined Kip's Dad and the
two boys for a trip to see the new Tinkerbell movie.  I think it's probably fair to say that Kip's Dad and I were more excited about seeing the film than the children were and about the development of the storyline (yes we really have seen all the films!), although they all enjoyed it very much and I had a lovely cuddle with Kip when he sat on my lap.  I'm finding the development of all our relationships very interesting.  I am now spending time with a young man who is young enough to be my son but in an equal, peer-like relationship.  I have no issue with the ages at all as I take everyone I meet at face value but most of my friends are closer in age to me so this is a new dynamic for me when it's not in a work setting.  In my professional life any relationship with younger people had Child Protection concerns and appropriate behaviour very much at the forefront.  It's all going well though and we enjoy spending time together as a newly blended family.  I do want to spend some time talking to Kip's Dad about how Kip and his step-brother are coping with the addition of an older sister and younger brother and if this is bringing up emotions outside of our visits for them.

Our third adoption-related event was joining Grandma and her family as they had a farewell party for one of the foster children who has been living with Grandma since he was 4 days old.  He is now in Reception Year at school.  Over the years his special needs have become more complex and have impacted heavily on the possibility of finding a permanent adoptive family.  It's fair to say he's a young man who needs a lot of watching because his escapology ability knows no limits and this makes it very difficult for Grandma who also has 3 other foster children to care for.  He is moving to a specialist foster carer. Sadly the new FC lives quite a distance away so keeping in contact will be more challenging.  I know this is hard for Grandma.  We had a lovely farewell though at Adventure Wonderland near Bournemouth with soft play, lunch and the chance to go on the rides.  We also had some dry weather for the day which was brilliant, although it was very cold and muddy.  The children had a wonderful time, running around without a care in the world.  I took Pip on his first ever fairground rides although my motion sickness impacted heavily on the enjoyability of this and I embarrassingly felt really sick half way through the children's ladybird ride so the occasion wasn't quite as momentous as I would have otherwise liked, well not momentous for the right reasons anyway! 

It was lovely for Katie to be included in what was actually a family event.  We will miss the little man when we visit Grandma.  I have known him from the day I met Katie and the house won't be the same without him when we visit.  We do wish him a very happy and healthy life and hope that this move to a new family enables him to develop and grow into a lovely young man with every opportunity available to him. 

So all in all, a lovely half term.  I'm just putting the finishing touches to this post however listening to Katie arguing with Daddy over the fact that she wants to go to soft play after school today and how unfair it is that I went with Pip and our nephew yesterday...... she was a right old grump after school yesterday.

Back to normal then?

Butterflies.....

Nana has Alzheimer's Disease and we can see it progressively getting worse.  Her memory is now very short term (probably less than 10 minutes on some days).  Because we have a young family and Nana and Pops live about 10 miles away, we can't pop in easily to see them.  10 miles isn't really that far but, when you have a baby who still naps and a school run either end of the day plus tired and grumpy children after 4pm, it makes it hard to visit during the week.  It's an understatement to also say that their house isn't really suitable for a young toddler.

We are now experiencing one of the additional challenges of having a family later in life as life becomes more challenging for Nana and Pops yet our time is limited because of our childcare responsibilities and routines.  Also having adopted children complicates the situation because routine is important for our family's well being.  Pops is Nana's primary carer but his health isn't fantastic either.  He is now 10 years post a double lung transplant and his recent hospitalisation for heart failure has left him weaker then he was before.  He admitted to us that he was finding it difficult to cope now so some action is required.

The disease is stripping away Nana's personality as well as her memory.  Nana has always had an edge to her personality but she was able to monitor what she said (mostly).  That has now been eradicated and Nana is often very similar to Katie from the perspective of emotional development and literacy.  It's incredibly sad to see this happening and also incredibly difficult to manage because she is now very child-like.  What's making the situation harder from our perspective is that Nana seems to focus all her negative behaviour on Katie.

Katie is a child who finds it hard to accept our authority at times.  She is strong willed and wants to do what she wants to do.  A fairly typical 6 year old in many ways but there is a bit more to it with Katie I think.  At this age they are pushing every boundary they can find and challenging the authority of their parents in mostly obvious and unimaginative ways like shouting and refusing to do what they've been asked.  Add to this the fact that Katie finds it hard to sit still for long and isn't that fussed about eating.  Imagine our dinner table at meals times with that information in mind.  It's been a challenge, it's fair to say.  Nana can no longer understand how we manage Katie at the table so spends an entire meal when we get together glaring at Katie saying things like....

"Can't you sit still"

"Will you just eat your dinner"

"Oh for goodness sake"

"Oh I'm going home if you can't behave"

These are fair points in the general sense.  Nana comes from a generation where children were seen and not heard and it must be strange for her to see us seemingly ignoring unacceptable behaviour.  I often feel the same about Katie's behaviour at meal times but we have a strategy in place that works for us however Nana forgets that she's said these things and repeats them over and over again.  It's incredibly stressful and I'm strung as tightly as an elastic band by the time Nana goes home.

Katie responds to these comments with defiance.  It makes her behaviour worse.  She doesn't like being told off by Nana so intensifies what she's doing and will answer back.  This obviously exacerbates the situation.  I feel my stress levels rising because I'm not going to allow Katie to feel bullied in her own home but if I say anything to Nana a) it's a moot point because she'll forget in 5 minutes and say it again and b) she's likely to stomp off and put her coat on to go home.  I do intervene though if I think things are going too far, which generally makes me public enemy No 1! 

We've tried rearranging the seating so that Nana isn't in Katie's line of vision during mealtime but I do think Katie tries to goad her a little so that hasn't really worked either.  She'll mess about and climb up and down her chair and generally do everything she can to gain attention.  A sensible person might say to avoid having meals together but there is also Pops to consider.  Why should he have to miss out on one of our wonderful meals too?  That feels very unfair to him.  What makes the situation even worse is that Nana idolises Pip and he can do no wrong.  One thing I did try with some success this weekend was to ignore the fact that Nana put her coat on.  We just carried on as if nothing had happened - a bit like we do with Katie when turning our back and ignoring unacceptable behaviour.  Eventually (and sadly) she forgot why she was wearing her coat and took it off again and re-engaged with us. This happened twice more but it did seem to work and I think we'll try this again on the next visit.

A difficult incident happened recently on Nana's birthday when me and the children went to visit with a present and birthday cake.  Whilst we were there Katie was playing with one of those collapsible toy donkeys. Nana said that Katie could keep the donkey so Katie was really happy and excited.  About 15 minutes later as we were getting ready to leave Katie went to pick up the donkey to take home and Nana virtually accused her of stealing it.  Katie was totally confused and upset.  When it became clear that Nana wasn't going to allow Katie to take the donkey I delicately tried to intervene and explained to Nana that she had said that Katie could keep the donkey a short while earlier.  Nana then got really cross and turned her back and refused to speak to anyone.  We had to leave minus the donkey (although Pops has since brought the donkey over to Katie hidden in a bag of sweets, bless him).

I've been trying to explain to Katie about Alzheimer's Disease.  It's hard to help her really understand it though.  She just sees that Nana is being mean to her and that she feels hurt and upset.  I obviously want to protect Katie from feelings of being rejected.  I feel she's going to potentially have enough of those feelings to overcome as she gets older depending on how she feels about being adopted as time goes by.  I downloaded a book called Grandma Rose: A story for children about Alzheimer's by Jocelyne Pouliot and read it with Katie.  It is a simple book that explains Alzheimer's impact on the brain behind the forehead that effects personality and memory and compares this gradual decline like a rose petal slowly losing its petals.  It's emotional and I had to read it alone and have a good cry in the bathroom before feeling able to read it to Katie without crying again.

We've also played memory games to try and empathise with Nana.  I tell Katie something I am wearing and she has to remember what I said when I ask her the question "What am I wearing?" later in the day.  I explain to her that Nana wouldn't be able to play this game because she wouldn't remember what I was wearing.

At bedtime after reading the book Katie said to me that she doesn't understand Alzheimer's and could I explain it again please.  I thought for a moment and said that I think that our memory is a bit like a butterfly that lands on our head.  We are able to hold onto the memory of the butterfly but for Nana the butterfly flies away taking the memory with it.  Katie liked this analogy and it seems to have helped her a understand it all a little better.

Alzheimer's is a sad and cruel and debilitating disease. It's painful to watch the person you know slowly being eroded.  It's horrible to watch the memories fade and be unable to help.  Nana still knows who we are at the moment but that will change.  The hard thing is that Nana doesn't realise that she is unwell because she doesn't remember when you tell her what has happened to her.  I've explained about Alzheimer's to her on several occasions and tried to empathise with how scary it must feel but the conversation flits away as soon as we've had it.  Pops is now finding caring for Nana more challenging and it must be awful to be on the receiving end of constantly difficult and challenging behaviour particularly when you aren't well yourself.  It must be awful to watch your marriage disintegrating at a time in your life when companionship means everything.  I feel sad for TCM who has realised he will never have his mother back as she was again and I think it will be a slow mourning process for him.  Unfortuntately we cannot have Nana to live with us with the children around.  I think it would be too damaging for everyone so we are looking at care arrangements (made more difficult because Pops cancelled the nurses I had going into Nana when he was in hospital!) to help out at home.  The GP has been brilliant and are taking our concerns seriously.  I have asked for a medicines review to assess the level of morphine she is taking for osteoarthritis with a painful curvature of the spine.  The morphine exacerbates her confusion unfortunately so a balance of her medication is vital.  This review has been undertaken and her morphine doseage reduced.  I am also going to contact the Alzheimer's Society to see what information and support they are able to offer our family to help maintain Nana's life and dignity for as long as we are able to but there's an inevitability as to how long Nana will be able to remain at home.  

I would be very grateful for any tips and advice from any readers who have experienced this illness within their own family.  Please comment below or contact me via email at threebecomefour@gmail.com. 

Mother Issues.....

I referred in Ups and Downs and New Additions to the impact a recent, really helpful, comment here on the blog had on me regarding my expectations of Katie's behaviour. I thought I would spend a few moments writing a bit more about what I was thinking.  As these things generally do, it relates back to my own childhood.

My mother was very strict and controlling and often quite aggressive. Incredibly so.  There is a lot about my childhood that I would rather forget. These issues may have been hashed over in therapy but they carry a legacy.  In fact most people who become parents either try to emulate their parents or parent in the completely opposite way.  I'd hoped I was aiming for the latter.  In many ways I have achieved this aim and left behind many of the residual issues but I've realised recently that there is still work to be done.

I think part of the problem lies with the fact that having a very controlled childhood has left me wanting to control the things that I can control (IYKWIM?).  However much of my adult life has taught me that the universe lives in chaos and that life is much the same.  I have spent a long time learning to accept that chaos is a natural state, but I unintentionally fight it with all of my being (despite lots of yoga). I yearn to be a leaf on the wind, just bobbing and gliding where the breeze takes me.  I'm more like a falling apple with gravity throwing me onto the earth!  As a result I spend my life saying "No!"

I'm learning though. Being a parent is teaching me a lot about myself and bringing greater understanding about my childhood and the experience I had of being parented. I think my mother's apparent lack of control stemmed from a need to be very much in control. I have realised that my mother probably felt very much the same as I often do with a lot of parenting challenges and didn't have a lot of emotional support around her so felt in a constant state of chaos herself.  If you can't control what happens to you, you can try and control those around you.  I get that now but her extreme methods and constant stream of unpleasant comments to try to control what she wanted me to do led to the breakdown of our relationship about 20 years ago. I feel sad that we never managed to have an adult relationship.  Our relationship broke down when I was finally able to say "No" to my mother.  I reached the point when enough was enough and I had to walk away to preserve my own sanity.  One of the reasons this is on my mind a lot at the moment is that I am now the same age that my mother was when we parted ways.  It brings home to be just how young she was when she had me. I feel it has also given me lots of skills as an adoptive parent.

I have also realised that, as a parent, I have high expectations of behaviour.  Those expectations placed on me as a child have stayed with me throughout my child.  I am always mindful of how my behaviour impacts on others.  I don't think I had really ever sat down and thought about the expectations I had of Katie if I'm honest.  This is the main problem with Katie and myself.  She just isn't able to live up to the expectations I have of her behaviour at the current time.  Katie is a much freer spirit than I am and she likes to push boundaries to their ultimate limit.  I suspect part of this need is inbuilt in her character and part of it may related to being adopted. 

Katie also doesn't like being told "No".  Dramatically so.  Actually nobody likes being
told "No" but we seem to do it an awful lot as parents so I'm trying, very hard, to say "Yes" more.  I'm trying to be more creative with how I say "Yes" though.  It's hard though.  "No" just slips off the tongue with barely a thought. "Yes" requires thought and a game plan.  "Yes" requires you to really think about the question you are being asked.  That's a lot to ask of a frazzled and often distracted mummy brain.  "Yes" requires you to also extrapolate on when the "Yes" will actually happen e.g. "Yes you can have that biscuit after your dinner" rather than "No, you are having dinner in a minute".  With Katie the questions come thick and fast.  She moves from one subject to the next with the ease of an uncluttered and questioning (and highly skilled negotiator) mind.  It takes an awful lot of effort to keep up with her, let alone attempt to be ahead of her.  It is going to take an awful lot of effort to maintain this "Yes" programme.  It seems to be working though.  There is less conflict and I'm trying hard to pick the battles that need to be fought.

After massive meltdowns and arguments in the morning a few months ago which generally resulted in us rushing late to school I have changed my expectations in the mornings but have added a few rules.  Katie has to stay in bed until her clock says 7am (this is working relatively well now); get dressed in the morning before she goes downstairs. She's done brilliantly with this after a difficult start.  She is an early riser and this suits us all really.  She is allowed to watch TV until breakfast time.  This relaxes her and prevents her getting into mischief.  At breakfast time the TV goes off and stays off until teeth are cleaned; hair is put up; cardigan is on and shoes are on feet.  We still rush to school because Pip often does a poo at around 8:40am but mostly we're calmer.  I won't lie and say it's all the time though.

I'm grateful though that I'm now parenting with more awareness of why I am the way I am and the history that brought me to this point.  I am starting to accept that you can't walk away totally from your past.  It is part of the fibre of your being.  It's etched into the memories of your soul.  Accepting that I may be like my mother at times is very hard for me.  I don't want to be like someone who made me so unhappy at times but more than that I don't want to leave the same legacy with my children. I'm glad that I have the ability to be self-reflective although I am aware that I beat myself up a bit too much at times but again that stems from my own experiences and I am learning to accept that about myself. I hope I never stop trying to be a good parent but I also try and forgive myself on the days when I get it totally wrong.

I am so grateful to Maria for her comments on Digging in Deep. I think sometimes someone just phrases something in the right way at the right time and you are able to hear the message clearly for the first time (much to the frustration of everyone else around you who has been telling you the same thing for years!).  I have had a lot of soul searching over the past few weeks but am so glad I did because things are currently a little bit calmer here. Not calm by any stretch of the imagination, but definitely calmer.

Making Contact

Contact has been a big issue just lately in the Katie household.  Not a big issue in the negative sense but just that it's been very much at the forefront of our minds and our lives.

We have all sorts of different contact that we manage.  We have maintained contact with both Foster Carers and we enjoy seeing them but it does mean fitting visits in and ensuring the relationship is working well.  We write contact letters to Katie's Birth Mother; Birth Father and Birth Grandmother every six months.  Once Pip is legally adopted we will add an additional letter in to their Birth Mother about him as well.  In addition to these two contact types we now also have direct contact with Katie and Pip's middle brother (Kip) whom we see roughly once a month although often bump into him and his Dad in our local shopping centre because they live literally around the corner from us now.  It's funny how it all evolves.  We knew that Kip lived nearby but contact proved problematic at first because we initially organised it through Children's Services.  Thankfully that is resolved and we are organising contact directly between ourselves.

Since first meeting Kip's Dad they have moved closer to us (15 minute walk) and there is also the possibility that Katie and Kip will go to the same infants school.  This option has both pros and cons I think.  Positively it means Katie and Kip will spend a year together at the same school which I think will be lovely for them both and will help their relationship develop.  There is a potential complication for them both when people know that they are brother and sister with one being adopted and the other not and what other people will make of that.  I'm not overly bothered by other people but I do want my children to feel that they are in control of information about themselves.  The con for me is around security.  I am not yet ready to enter the realm of a conversation that goes along these lines "Do you want me to pick Katie up from school today?" from Kip's Dad.  He's lovely. I really like him. I enjoy spending time with him and his family and feel 99.9% confident that he would protect our location but he still has contact with their Birth Mother and there is just a little part of me that remains nervous about information being accidentally shared or him looking after the children, which he would be keen to do.  The school isn't his catchment school and a little part of me selfishly hopes there aren't places available to out of catchment pupils this year.  Being at a different school would prevent picking up from school conversations.  There is an obvious sibling link that could be offered but I've not mentioned this whilst I'm so undecided about my feelings.

Contact letters have also been a bit more difficult this time around as well because we didn't receive a contact letter from Katie's Birth Grandmother in October as is usual. She has been writing relatively consistently and I was feeling confident that contact when Katie is older might be a real possibility but suddenly no letter arrived and there is that reminder that consistency is often a reason why family members are unable to have custody of the children.  There are several reasons I can think of as to why the letter hasn't arrived however.  It might have become lost in the mail.  There might be a family event or illness that has impacted on the letter being written.  It might be that the letters are too difficult and emotional for her to write.  I might have inadvertently upset her in my last letter.  It might be that she has decided to stop writing.  The Post Adoption Team might have returned the letter to her.  All of these reasons unfortunately I am, as yet, unaware of.  I have written my 6 monthly letter and asked the question about the missing letter; trying to word the question as gently as I can.  I am so aware of how delicate the contact letters are. I strive hard to write letters that give information but do not seek to rub salt into any wounds.  I enjoy receiving the letters in reply and have hoped that they would build a good picture of Katie's paternal birth family for when she seeks information.

All of these little things are a constant reminder that our family life differs from
many other people's.  It's hard to explain that without sounding churlish or unsupportive of the adoption process.  Anyone reading this blog will know that I strive to be neither of those but I think it's important to be honest about my feelings and there are times when I wish there weren't all these peripheral people in our lives that remind me of experiences my children have had and issues that may or may not arise for them in the future.  I want to protect them from things that will upset them.  As a family we are very accepting and we take all these things in our stride but I also feel a lot of my life in general is full of the needs of other people. Not just the Katie family here at home but in the wider context.  Some days I find it hard to work out how to fit all the different needs in.  It's a real balancing act and I don't always do it with a song in my heart I will admit.

Observations.....

When Pip first moved in I immediately noticed that, although he slept for long periods of time, he was easily disturbed.  Every night I pop into Katie's room and give her a little sleeping kiss good night and tuck her back in whilst she is deep in the land of nod and whisper how much I love her.  I found with Pip however that he would wake up very easily when I went in to check on him.

Fast forward 8 months and I've noticed that Pip now sleeps very soundly.  Very little seems to waken him.  I now am able to go in at night and hold his hand and whisper that I love him and he no longer wakes up.  This has been a gradual change and it occurred to me that he must now be totally relaxed and at home with us.  He is no longer on his guard.  It's a lovely feeling to have and I think it's helpful to share that that process doesn't happen overnight but can take many months.

During his awake hours Pip is an incredibly happy and smiley baby who is very content to play with me or amuse himself.  He appears quite resourceful and is curious about everything.  He wants to see inside every cupboard and drawer and feel and explore his world.  He is hilarious now he's walking and rushes about like a little Zombie.  TCM calls him Odd Bod!  I'm currently learning all about testosterone surges as it seems that Pip has had his first surge.  He is into knocking everything over and pushing the chairs about the house and throwing everything.  If he could beat his chest in a Tarzan-esque fashion I think he would!  He misses me noticeably when I'm not with him, and this has been my concern with our current medical crisis going on with Nana and Pops.  He is coping well with TCM though which is a relief but the excitement when I return is very noticeable and gives me a little rush of love every time.  He rushes over with a huge smile on his face and his arms outstretched for a cuddle as soon as I walk in the door.  It's good to see how well he has bonded with me though and I with him.

In fact it's wonderful to see how well he has settled in generally.  Having a baby does not necessarily mean that this will happen and some babies have noticeable attachment difficulties as well as older children.  Both Katie and Pip have coped amazingly well with the move to us and both have attached well to us.  Katie remembers more because she was 2 when she moved in and this has led to her asking lots of questions but she shows no signs of attachment difficulties.

I love having both a boy and a girl.  I was never bothered about the whole "one of each" thing that people seem to feel everyone should want (and I've had many comments about since Pip joined us) but I'm enjoying the differences between them and I like that each can be my "special boy" and "special girl".  We originally set out to adopt another girl because we thought that might be better for Katie but Pip is just perfect for our little family.  It's funny how the universe turns.  I'm definitely finding Pip more straightforward than Katie which is actually rather nice because I'd definitely say that Katie currently challenges me far more on a daily basis.  I know that historically a lot of adopters prefer to adopt a girl but I can definitely say that Boy's Rock so don't be put off adopting a boy.  I know some totally gorgeous adopted boys who are regular boys and present with no more difficulties than the adopted girls I know.