Saturday, 15 June 2013

Highs and Lows

Today started about as badly as it could have started at 4.45am with Katie thinking it was time to get up. That's not so much of a problem but the temper tantrum when we told her she had to go back to bed was. In the end everyone bar Pip was awake with little chance of sleep returning.

Things didn't improve when it was actually time to get up, although I thought they seemed to be improving when Katie got dressed herself and ate breakfast nicely. They nosedived ridiculously when I was trying to eat Pip dressed.  Katie has a new penchant for climbing everything. There are enough risks attached to this on their own but Katie is also going through a phase of being incredibly clumsy and tripping up and falling off things. So there am I with a wriggling Pip on the change table with Katie climbing on a stool and hanging off the change table. I asked her repeatedly to stop dangling and climbing and I'm met with rudeness and belligerence. I'm fairly stuck as to what I can do at this point for fear of Pip wriggling off the table and I'm getting very cross indeed. I ended up half sliding and half throwing the small stool out of the bedroom and quickly removing Katie from the room, much to her annoyance and resulting meltdown.  "Meltdown" doesn't describe it sufficiently really.


After sorting Pip put and putting him to play in the travel cot I gave Katie a piece of my mind. Yes I bellowed. No I'm not proud of myself and I think tiredness and hormones played a part but I've had enough of not being listened to and of feeling anxious that she's going to add a serious injury to the array of bumps and bruises she is currently sporting.  After walking back to my bedroom to get dressed I promptly burst into tears feeling very sorry for myself because all my clothes make me look fat and ugly. The fact that I've put on weight is what is making me feel fat but I had no reasoning left in me at that point.  Add to that some delightful hormones; the coming down after a stressful adoption process and a lot to contend with personally I guess, in hindsight, I can forgive myself for feeling crappy. Katie saw me crying and was confused as to why i was upset. She tried to ask questions and make faces at me to cheer me up but I'd had enough by that point and didn't want to know. Part of me hoped that she might see her contribution in upsetting me. If she did, she showed no sign of it. She seemed fascinated that I was upset and remarked that she had never seen me cry before but there was no empathy.  I will say though that she's been nicer to me since so maybe some good might come out of it.

After dropping Katie off at school I felt brighter for being out of the house. I stopped at the chemist to buy some St Johns Wort just in case there is a touch of the blues sneaking in. I would have liked to have gone for a long walk but the builders were due so Pip and I reluctantly headed home.

Pip has had a tetchy day. His gums are getting sore although he likes the Teetha granules and they seem to help. He had a lovely long sleep this morning and I pottered about, sorting out some correspondence. Of course the builders didn't show up until lunchtime so we could have had that walk after all. He wasn't his usual smiley self until about 6pm and I was left feeling bit delicate about my parenting abilities all day. 

The day improved though from about 2.30pm. Katie had a school open afternoon so Pip and I went to have a visit. Pip had a nice nap in the buggy so I was able to park him up outside the classroom and play with Katie, just us girls, for a while. I think she really appreciated it. Her good behaviour lasted the rest of the day despite a later night as she goes to gymnastics on a Friday evening until 7pm. After the early start I was concerned about bedtime being another flash point but she was cuddly and relatively compliant. 

Pip and I had a lovely bedtime whilst Katie was at gym. We played on the playmat and my wafting his socks over his head and face had Pip squealing with delight. I watched him building his crawling skills and marvelled at how he's coming along. One of the loveliest moments so far happened during after his bedtime bottle. During his bottle he was playing with my face throughout which felt lovely. He usually gets quite sleepy after his bottle but tonight he was very alert so he was laid on my tummy having a snuggle and head butting me (which he thinks is a great game). All of a sudden he gazed deep in my eyes and regarded me for about 5 minutes. He really took me in as if he was seeing me for the first time. It was really something. Very powerful. And if left me feeling that our bond is there. It is growing and he's ok.

As I write this I can review the day and see the highs and lows and reflect on what I didn't handle well. I don't want to yell. I'm generally very patient for the most part but, oh, there are days when patience seems to desert me. Daddy and I have had a chat about how we are managing Katie's current behaviour and recognised that we've got off track the past few days. It's hardly surprising really. There's been a lot going on.  A plan to reintroduce time-out under the new name of The Thinking Spot complete with bean bag was hatched.  I was reassured though that all is still ok after speaking to Katie's teacher and that she's doing well in school and that most of the children are bolshy little wotsits at the moment as the prepare to start Year 1.  Katie and I are having a girly morning after dancing tomorrow and I'm looking forward to having  some girl time together whilst Daddy has Pip for the morning. 

As for me, I should be asleep. I'm exhausted but I needed to get the day out of my head before I could sleep.

9 comments:

  1. Ahhhh that sounds like a really tough day. Good for you for not beating yourself up about it too much (you definitely deserve some slack at the moment) and for coming up with a strategy. That's a really smart way of approaching things.

    I hope tomorrow's better for you.

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    1. Hi there and thanks. I have to say that I find comfort in creating a plan. It doesn't often mean that the plan will actually work but at least it distracts me from getting stressed about it for too long! Yesterday was better. Katie was still melting down but I felt more able to deal with it all. Just needed a good cry I think!xxx

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  2. What a tough day :( a day like that is enough to cause anyone to feel teary but add in hormones and all the changes you've had recently and it's no wonder who needed a good cry!

    I feel so bad for not commenting for ages. I've been reading and thinking of you but hate commenting on my phone because I make tons of typos. So now I'm trying to remember all the things I wanted to comment on and I can't, so just know that I am thinking of you all and am so glad you have Pip home with you and you're all starting to settle into family life as a foursome, even though there are a few bumps (and meltdowns) along the way.

    I shall miss seeing you at BritMums (but know that you are somewhere way more important xx) and hope to see you next year. I'll be thinking of how when we met last year you were at the start of the process to completing your family and now you have your beautiful boy home with you. That makes me so happy :)

    Anyway, I just wanted to really give you a massive hug and let you know I'm thinking of you on these roughs days and so glad you get the wonderful moments that balance it out... Pip staring into your eyes sounds absolutely wonderful. Babies seem to have a real knack for looking right down deep into the heart and soul of you, don't they?

    Lots of Love xx

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    1. Bless you Amanda and thank you for summing it up so well. I should admit that I'm quite hard on myself and expect myself to handle anything and everything. I'm slowly (probably too slowly) learning that that isn't the case and that I need to accept that I don't wear gold shiny hotpants (couldn't fit into them anyway at the moment) and a pointy bra and speed into the world accompanied by action music!

      I will miss seeing you at Britmums too. I was so excited about going and bought my ticket early this year but I can't get away. I would worry about things at home too much. I'll be there next year though and can't wait!! xxx

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  3. I have been working with an 18 month old at the childminders though she was 12 months old when I first got to know her and at the early stages of me being with her she did just the same thing as Pip did there - staring for what felt like an absolute eternity into my eyes. It felt like she was reading my very soul and whilst it was lovely it was also disconcerting as adults just never hold a person's gaze that long (it would be considered rude). She did this on a few occasions and then quite abruptly stopped doing it - I think I must have "passed" the inspection as she welcomes me now every time I come into the room with her.

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    1. Oh Greta that sounds like a lovely experience with the little girl. It's so wonderful when it happens and you're right, adults never do that to each other so it is disconcerting when it happens. Pip has decided to play with my face now during bottle time which is lovely. xx

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  4. You sound like you are doing brilliantly , it is exhausting taking on children ESP so young . If you fancy offloading at anytime let me know and Zi will give you my number

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    1. Thank you Fiona. That's incredibly kind of you xxx

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  5. I hope the meltdowns get easier for you all - I too find them hard at times - and I too expect myself to not lose the plot and am hard on myself when I do - try and go easy on yourself and give yourself some grace - you are all re-adlusting and re-aligning yourselves - and it must be massive on your Katie too - it is early days - early days - my mantra - and keep breathing xx

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