Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out...
I remember that line a lot. Not necessarily in the context it was used but it is a good metaphor for life and the various challenges that arise.
Why am I quoting it here you may ask? Well to answer that I will use a quote from a song sung by Howard Keel from another film 'Kiss me Kate"
Where is the life that late I led?
Where is it now?
I'm struggling to write this because I feel like I'm whingeing and I don't like whingeing. I'm an independent lady who gets on with things. I'm not even sure how to write it with any clarity because I'm not really sure what the issue is yet. So please bear with me whilst I gather my jumbled thoughts.
When we first adopted Katie. I didn't bond with the knowledge of her at first. we got to our matching panel and I had a knot in my stomach until I saw a new photo of her and I fell in love. I felt very confused about my feelings. The bond happened though. With Pip the bond was forming from the moment I knew he might be matched with us. I was excited about him coming to join us. Now the bond is definitely there, I'm not worried about that. I'm more worried that I'm feeling quite indifferent to everything at the moment, including Pip. I feel flat and disinterested. I'm exhausted and finding everything a physical struggle. I don't feel on top of anything. I'm missing things that need to be completed at Katie's school. If I miss a day's washing then it feels like the washing basket overflows within minutes. The house feels like a constant mess. I feel like there is always something that needs my attention. I feel like a failure.
Oh and the dishwasher has broken down!
Pip is lovely. He's gorgeous and funny and he is so chilled and so good it is amazing. He sleeps through the night. He eats everything I give him. I'm so bloody lucky. Everyone constantly tells me how thrilled I must be feeling. And that's the problem. I don't feel thrilled. I don't feel much of anything at all.
I feel tired.
Actually that's not the full story. I've also been feeling frustrated and overwhelmed at the increase of requirements on my time and the lack of time I have to actually do any of those things because babies need constant supervision when they are awake. I get moments where I can pop him in his playpen for half an hour or when he's napping but, for the most part, he needs me. He needs me to play with him and help him explore. To provide him with stimulation. To cuddle him and reassure him. To let him crawl and make sure he doesn't come to any harm. And I do all those things but....
I feel like my brain has atrophied. I have no memory to speak of at the moment. I feel that I'm letting Katie down because I'm not meeting her needs and she needs me too. I feel angry with her for not understanding that Mummy is tired and can she please stop arguing with me all the time. Daddy needs me. The cats need me. Heck I need me too! I'm frustrated with myself for not just getting on with it all.
My body is so stiff from lack of yoga that I'm in pain. My neck is so painful that my head is hurting. It doesn't help that we've currently got a sickness bug and I'm weak and exhausted from being sick. I told Daddy that I could happily get in the car and just drive away. Not because I want to leave them all but because I just want to remember who I am for 5 minutes and maybe just sleep, for a day or so.
I was worried that a bout of depression was sneaking up on me. I'm not so sure at the moment although I will keep an eye on myself. I then worried that maybe I wasn't bonding with Pip but I don't think that's the problem either. I think I'm just tired. Tired after a long and gruelling adoption process, preparations and introductions. Tired after lots of battles with Katie. Tired from all the demands on me. Tired from the massive change that's happened. Worried I'm not going to be cut out to be a good mum to two. Tired from thinking about it too much.
And guilty for feeling all those things. I should be feeling happy. On top of the world.
I am lucky to have lots of friends but I don't have much family to help me. I'm envious of all the help from their mums that many of my friends get. I'd love to have that sort of mum. I'm not great at asking for help. I'm independent (I've really had to be). I've always had to be the big sister. The one who sorts everything out. I put far too much pressure on myself to be able to get on with things and sort everything out.
I know it has only been a month since Pip has become part of our family. It's not long. We're still adjusting. I'm probably like a new mum with a newborn baby but I feel guilty of making that comparison because I do get full nights sleep.... mostly.
Do all new mums feel like this? Is it normal to feel so indifferent and disinterested in life?
I think it doesn't help that I've not been out much since Pip joined us. I've not yet joined the baby groups I planned to. I wanted some time to find our groove first but I'm wondering whether being home too much is too isolating now? I've not rushed out to introduce Pip to the world but now I'm feeling that people aren't interested in us. I'm missing the life that I led before Pip. I'm missing the freedom I had. The time I had. I feel so guilty for even thinking this. We chose this. I chose this.
So I know this is where Tom Hanks comes in ....once Howard Keel has stopped singing about the life that he once led that is (and it's quite a long song). Breathe in and out until it feels better. Go through the motions until the enjoyment returns. I know that babies are pretty hard work; highly absorbing yet pretty boring (sorry Pip, it's not your fault). I know that I'm better with older children. Ones who can speak, and converse and interact. Pip and I chat but it's mostly me doing the talking. That gets pretty boring day after day after day. The only converses I have are the ones I wear on my feet too and from school. I've felt very guilty that I've happily let Daddy deal with Pip whilst I've been feeling ill and I feel like the worst mum for saying that.
I know it will get better. I'm old enough and wise enough to know I need time. Time, not just for all the things I'd like to achieve, but time for the dust to settle. Time to learn how to live life as it now is. Time to adjust. Time to regroup; regain some energy and some interest in life. Time to learn to say NO to some of the stuff in my life The adoption process, amongst other things, has, yet again, sucked the life out of me. I'm missing my spiritual life. My Reiki group. My yoga and meditation. My tap class. All the things that make me, well.... me.
Please just reassure me that's all this is. I'm too tired to do that ...... besides concentrating on the breathing in and out is distracting my tired brain.