Preparing for Winter, TLC and Reflections that I was enjoying the current season and starting to feel a lot more with it again. I found in my tap class last night that I was able to remember the routines with more clarity and I enjoyed the class again. When I took a break in May I was feeling so stressed and emotionally tired that it had started to feel like a chore and a challenge. I've even decided not to participate in any of the shows this year which saddens me because one of the performances is a charity performance dedicated to a lovely friend who died 3 years ago from breast cancer and the performance means a lot to me. I have performed in this show for the past 2 years. This year I'm going to help do the troupe's hair instead so I can feel I've done something to help.
The main difficulty in life at the moment is Katie's behaviour. She just seems so angry at the moment and we feel like we are walking on egg shells the whole time. I'm not someone who will tip-toe round someone for fear of their temper but I am certainly picking my battles, of which there are currently plenty to choose from. What worries me most is the anger she expresses. It is explosive and it worries me tremendously. I do think much of her current behaviour is over-tiredness from starting back at school. A good friend has made me stop and think that some of the weekend activities we are doing to help Katie feel that she is getting attention may actually be over-stimulating her and perhaps quieter weekends might be the way forward. We're going to take this on board and do the best with can with this suggestion. The mind jar isn't having the desired effect at the moment and this is something we need to use in quieter moments so Katie doesn't feel it is something being suggested to her because she is angry. Much of her behaviour at home is really quite anti-social at the moment and I am feeling the building of a knot in my stomach when she is at home. I'm trying hard not to lose my temper with her but I will admit that I'm finding that harder and harder, particularly when Katie steps up her behaviour. I'm trying to focus more on myself and calm down how I'm feeling so as not to shift all the focus on to Katie. Yoga definitely helps me feel a bit better on the inside and I do feel that the small amount of inner calmness gives me an extra 10 seconds or so to try and stop myself exploding. It's not always easy though. Ideally I'd like a spa day....or weekend.....or week! I'd like to feel that I'm breathing deep into myself and reaching those parts that other things cannot reach.
My friend who died told me that she helped herself feel better by making herself look better on the outside. When she lost her hair she attended a make-up course and learned how to draw her eyebrows back in and make her face look healthy. Everyday when I put my make-up on I think of her and remember that she said that if you look in the mirror and look healthy then you will feel healthy. Because of this I am really careful about my facial care. I always wear a bit of make-up (I'm no diva I'm afraid so a bit of foundation; blusher; mascara and lippy is my limit in pretty much any situation). I do take my make-up off every night (and have done since I was 18 years old) and I've moisturised every single day and night for the same amount of time. That's quite an investment.
With everything going on I've found I've been looking a bit tired so have bought a new eye cream and am looking at what facial creams and cleansers might help my skin survive the winter. I've been made aware of a cleanser by Eve Lom at John Lewis that might be a splurge of luxurious indulgence http://www.johnlewis.com/eve-lom-cleanser/p142312.
These little indulgences might seem frivolous but they are little things that help me get through the day and I need that help at the moment. I do feel that I'm having to dig in deep to not be angry mum all day every day. I didn't know it was possible to feel the level of anger that I feel around Katie's behaviour. The tantrums I can handle, it's the belligerence and rudeness and the inner need to understand and resolve the issues. When she's asked to do something and she stands there and looks me squarely in the eye and says "NO" I can feel my blood boil and that knot in my stomach tighten even further. When 15 minutes of the same stand-off is in motion I feel emotions that I didn't even know it was possible to feel. This is all accompanied by some incredibly hyperactive and very silly behaviour such as slamming doors and generally making her presence and displeasure known. It takes a tag team of TCM (Daddy) and I to get her into bed with minimal fuss. It all feels very dramatic in our house at the moment and I do rather like things to feel a lot calmer.
If anyone has some wonderful tips for managing this sort of behaviour please do post here or email me. I'd be delighted to hear anything that might be of use so that I can make my inner feel like my outer!
Thank you in advance....
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