sad tale of little Ed there was one experience that I left out because I wanted to write about it separately. It was the experience of being present at an ultrasound scan.
My experience of scans has been primarily disastrous to say the least. They are the calling card from 10 miscarriages. The carefully arranged facial expression of the sonographer as they deliver bad news. Being with Ed as he had an ultrasound opened the floodgates for this emotions.
Other than out of curiosity and a sense of unfinished business to feel a baby kicking inside me and to see if i could handle childbirth, I wouldn't want to bear a birth child now if you changed my name to Mary and introduced me to a guy called Gabriel who had wings. My two children complete me. But the experiences of a life trying to start a family are etched into the fibres of my being. They stay out of sight most of the time these days but they do not remain hidden. They pop up every so often and the memories flood in, like a wave surfing through my heart and mind before pulling back into the recesses of my day to day life. Such was that moment as Ed was having his scan. I watched his heart pumping and was momentarily lost back in time watching the heartbeat of my babies trying so hard to stay alive.
The outcome for all was the same and, thus, my viewpoint of scans is that no good comes from a scan.
Yes I am aware that this is not the experience for everyone. It might not always be my experience. But in this moment, I feel that I do not want to see another ultrasound scan as long as I live.