Friday, 22 November 2013

The Scan

When I was writing the sad tale of little Ed there was one experience that I left out because I wanted to write about it separately. It was the experience of being present at an ultrasound scan.

My experience of scans has been primarily disastrous to say the least. They are the calling card from 10 miscarriages. The carefully arranged facial expression of the sonographer as they deliver bad news. Being with Ed as he had an ultrasound opened the floodgates for this emotions. 

Other than out of curiosity and a sense of unfinished business to feel a baby kicking inside me and to see if i could handle childbirth,  I wouldn't want to bear a birth child now if you changed my name to Mary and introduced me to a guy called Gabriel who had wings. My two children complete me. But the experiences of a life trying to start a family are etched into the fibres of my being. They stay out of sight most of the time these days but they do not remain hidden. They pop up every so often and the memories flood in, like a wave surfing through my heart and mind before pulling back into the recesses of my day to day life. Such was that moment as Ed was having his scan. I watched his heart pumping and was momentarily lost back in time watching the heartbeat of my babies trying so hard to stay alive. 

The outcome for all was the same and, thus, my viewpoint of scans is that no good comes from a scan. 

Yes I am aware that this is not the experience for everyone. It might not always be my experience. But in this moment, I feel that I do not want to see another ultrasound scan as long as I live. 

10 comments:

  1. I'm with you. When I hear about women who loved being pregnant I have no concept of what they speak. Every day of my pregnancy was a gamble. Every day was a stress-filled worrisome state of almost holding my breath until I gave birth to a healthy baby.

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    1. Infertility and miscarriage certainly strip away any innocence and romance that you might hold about scans. When something literally announces life and death, the power cannot be underestimated. I feel for you. One of my closest friend spent her second pregnancy in fear for the whole pregnancy after an ectopic pregnancy first time round and a polyp that bled continuously with her second pregnancy. I think it makes our children, however they arrive with us, so much more precious. xx

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    1. And sending them back to you as well hon xxxx ((((hugs)))

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  3. I had the same experience when I had to have a scan on my shoulder because they wanted to check for muscle damage. So I know just how you feel. I wanted Mr Spouse to be there but he couldn't, but he said he was thinking of me.
    Baby Spouse's birth mother told us she'd give us a scan picture, but didn't, but I'm quite glad she didn't.

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    1. (((hugs))) that must have been tough.

      I'm struggling to think of what I can say about the scan picture from BM. That's a very kind gesture from her but I think it would push all sorts of buttons for me. Having said that, what a gift for the future. xx

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  4. Beautifully said :( xx

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  5. What a beautifully written post. Two of my wife's several miscarriages were the day before our 12 week scans were due. The experience of sitting in the waiting room "a day early" surrounded by heavily pregnant mums waiting to hear the inevitable news (which in our heart of hearts we knew as coming) is etched on our minds. On one of those occasions they offered us the print out of our scan should we want to keep it. We didn't. To have that sitting in a drawer somewhere would have been too much.

    As you say, for some a scan photo doesn't bring up the happy thoughts it does for others.

    Thannk you for sharing what many of us, I'm sure have thought but been to inhibited to say.

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    1. I just want to say how sad I am that you have also experienced this. There are no words and they are experiences that stay with you forever. I know what you mean about the pictures. I have some tucked away in a box, showing a time when a heart was still beating (briefly). They are hard to look at, although I don't often think of them now. Mostly because I'm too preoccupied and life has moved on a lot.

      My best wishes to you and your wife. I am always sad to hear of others who have been through this experience.

      I can't believe I've not read your blog before so am heading over to read my fill.

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