Saturday, 20 December 2014

The Crazy!

There are times in life when the crazy strikes. The crazy is a set of external events that can fall very heavily upon you. It can swoop in suddenly or it can creep in, slowly building momentum until, like a tornado, you find yourself battening down the hatches and wondering what will be left when it passes. It can be an inner crazy that is yours alone or it can be a shared crazy, one where the impact is also external to yourself. It can strike at the very heart of your family unit, leaving you floundering and unable to function well together. Being able to function well together would probably help beat the crazy back more quickly but, because each person is deep in their inner stress, it's difficult to synch and be in the same book, let alone on the same page. 

The other problem with crazy is that it is contagious. It seeps into the pores and fabric of the home waiting for a moment when its next victim is tired or emotional. Then it become endemic and you can't pinpoint where it started. Tempers are heightened and sensitive. Voices are tense and angry and raised. Patience runs thin very easily and the family snaps at each other like hungry crocodiles. 

It takes huge effort to step back and reflect and take action against the crazy. Slights are still felt and can pull you back down into the quagmire. With energy running low it can require super human emotional strength to crawl back out again and to offer a hand to others still swimming in the deep. You may start to question why you are offering a hand and it is tempting to just focus inwardly at your own inner turmoil. Yet someone has to find that strength and try and pull the rest of the family to safety before the vortex spins too fast and makes rescue impossible. The problem with a rescue mission though is people have to desire rescue. It isn't something you can force.

This year has been one of the toughest emotionally for a very long time. The crazy just keeps on coming our way and the effort required to keep our heads physically and emotionally above water often feels too great. The weight of grief at the loss of Pops and responsibility for Nana plus the house build and the children drives a wedge within the family impacting on all parts of our life. It will ease. It will pass, I know, but it will leave its legacy. That legacy can be seen already in the tension in us and between us and now that spills over to the children. The challenging behaviour of the children then adds another layer of stress and tension and so it continues. This Christmas feels the saddest we've experienced in many, many years. It is only one day I tell myself, yet the day is filled with the legacy of so many other experiences and feelings. I feel like I'm fighting to make it special for the children yet am being pulled back all the time. I've done my best, that I can say, but the day will be a challenge.

My wish for 2015 is to finish our house build and get back to the safety and security of our home to regroup. We have had so much to deal with in a house we don't call home which induces vulnerability. I know I need that feeling of security and space again and to feel my roots resettle and bring strength and to nurture me. We won't be home until at least April though and I fear we will, as a family, limp slowly and numbly towards that date. The crazy isn't showing signs of pulling back and I am fearful for how long I can hold everything together for everyone. I will continue to do my best and hope that my best is sufficient but I'm so very emotionally tired that it feels like a daunting task. My attention is required constantly by so many different people that I feel totally over-stimulated and hyper-aroused. Time is a precious commodity and there is little of it to spare for seemingly frivolous things like fun and relaxation yet these are the very things that will nurture us and enable us to maintain perspective.  It's a conundrum for which the answer remains obscure and is heard differently by each of us.

In the meantime I will continue to beat back the crazy with my chocolate stick and hope that it starts to pull back and give us all breathing space. 

1 comment:

  1. Sorry to hear that the crazy is just getting too much. I'm lost for words, I can feel your pain and frustration, but I know that whatever I say won't help or heal the hurts. Just know that you are not on your own during these times... there are countless other adopters including ourselves all experiencing the crazy too!