Friday, 30 April 2010

Daddy lions and Mummy lions!

I've not had a chance to write anything for a week or so. It's been quite a tough 10 days really because a friend of mine died from breast cancer aged only 42 years old.  She fought valliantly against this horrible illness.  Her courage was inspirational.  Sadly she lost her battle at 1am on 20th April 2010.  The funeral took place this Wednesday.  It was a really beautiful service and was attended by so many people it was amazing.  It was an emotional day and so sad to see Christine's two beautiful girls who are aged only 10 and 7 years old.  Christine wanted to be a mummy more than anything else and it's sad that she has been torn from her family so early.  It feels so bittersweet as we have just become parents.  I look at Katie and wonder how Chris felt knowing she would be leaving her girls with so much left unfinished and yet to experience.   I spent many hours when going through infertility and miscarriages questioning the purpose of life and whether things happen for a reason.  I came to the conclusion that it was all bad biology.  This is the only sense I can make of Chris passing.  The biology just didn't work right.  Spiritual and theological debates leave the question unanswered.  All I can say is that I believe I will see Chris again and send my love to her.

Katie continues to grow and flourish.  Her speech and vocabulary improve daily.  It's amazing seeing the world as she experiences it.  She is learning the names of some of the spring flowers.  She pointed to a dandylion the other day and said "daddylion".   She then said "mummy, where are the mummy lions?".  A few days later she can now pronounce "dandylion".  Watching her improve her words each day is really fascinating.  To think that we have all been through this experience.  What a shame we don't remember it.  Katie sees things that I miss because she spends her time looking at everything.  I don't have any worries about her eyesight at the moment. She spots the tiniest things in the sky.  I wish I could slow down enough in my head to see the way she sees.  All I see is things to be washed and jobs to be done!!  I prefer what Katie sees to be honest!

Katie has now been with us 6 weeks.  On the one hand it is getting harder to remember life before Katie but on the other hand I sometimes still can't quite believe that she is ours.  A friend of mine asked if I'd reached a point where it all felt normal yet.  I don't think I've reached that point yet.  I sometimes still feel like I'm doing an extended period of babysitting.  I watch our relationship deepen day by day and laugh at Katie's funny little moments and her quirks and can't imagine life without her though.  Today she kept walking up to me and kissing me on the arm.  These are the moments that I knew I was missing out on all the time we battled with infertility.  I am so lucky to have such a beautiful and gorgeous daughter.  I can't quite believe that after all my years of worrying that I wasn't a mother because there was something unworthy about me, that we have been given this wonderful child to be parents to.

I admit that I have had a fair few moments of feeling overwhelmed by everything.  It is very tiring looking after a 2 year old and I do sometimes wonder how I will manage if and when we also adopt Katie's little brother.  It's a huge learning curve. I am trying to learn to balance my life in a different way than I used to.  I am trying to let bit of housework go and not to worry about it all so much.  I am getting there slowly.  Mike has a week off work next week and I am looking forward to having a bit of head-space for a brief interlude.  I want to get back into a routine of doing my yoga.  I am starting to get backache and some migraines again because I've hardly done any yoga for 6 weeks.  I am going to start using some of Katie's nap times to do some yoga during the if you'll excuse me, that is where I am going now.........

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