Whilst he was processing, I had a very tough year emotionally, if I'm honest. I had a lot of dark thoughts about my future and our future as a couple. I knew that being a parent was something that I absolutely had to do. I imagined waking up on my 60th birthday knowing I hadn't been able to be a mother and I knew that it wasn't something I could willingly accept. I spent many hours talking to some very close friends about my feelings. They were incredibly patient, allowing me to go over and over the same ground time and time again. What would I do if my husband decided that adoption wasn't a journey he could walk with me? Would I stay in my marriage or would I leave and seek to adopt alone? I knew I couldn't force him to make a decision and I knew it wouldn't be fair to bring a child into our family if he wasn't 100% on board. I tried to give him some space. That was very hard.
During this time we weren't inactive on the fertility front. We we still trying to work out if there was a medical protocol that might enable me to maintain a pregnancy but our hearts weren't really in it at that point. The pain of failure was getting too much to bear. I had stopped getting pregnant naturally by this point so we tried an IVF and FET. I conceived with both treatments but miscarried both pregnancies. We were at 10 miscarriages by that point. Enough was enough.
We talked. We talked some more. We talked again and again. We went over and over our concerns about being adoptive parents and the adoption process. We were both nervous about the process. I have a lot of baggage from my past and I was was concerned that would go against us. I knew I could love a child that I hadn't given birth to because there were children in my life already that I was close to. Could my husband? How would we cope if our child rejected us in the future after all we'd been through? How could I reassure him that it would be OK? There are no guarantees at all. Despite all this I wanted to go ahead. I felt sad. I felt angry. I felt anxious. I felt so confused. My poor friends had to listen to all my frustrations which must have been difficult. I spent time talking with an old school friend who was an adoptive parent and met up with her group of adoptive parents. I met all their children. They were all wonderful children. I took my tales home to my husband. I showed him pictures of the children. I said I couldn't give him any guarantees.
Eventually in September 2008 he said he felt he could go ahead with the adoption process. We agreed we would take it a step at a time and withdraw if we felt uncomfortable or that it wasn't for us. We were finally ready to phone our local authority and move ahead.
After all that, when I did phone the adoption team at our local authority, we had to wait until a year had passed from our last a miscarriage before we could proceed. There then followed another frustrating wait.
But we got there in the end. That's all that matters. Interestingly, making the to adopt again was easier in some ways but we are so much more aware of all the issues involved that I have had more concerns than Daddy.